Today we briefly began to discuss the overwhelmingly common effect that divorce and separation can have on parents, children, and their relationship. We have also been provided with a few great resources on how this change affects so many dimensions of a parent-child relationship.
The University of Minnesota's "Parent's Forever" handbook provides parents with dozens of free, in-depth resources to help cope with these changes. The resources come in three different categories: taking care of yourself, taking care of your children, and how to be successful in co-parenting. Also in this handbook are examples of the child's rights and how they should correspond with the parents' responsibilities. If the child's rights and the parents' responsibilities aren't aligning, the divorce or separation can have lasting negative impacts on the child, and their relationship with their parents. Some of these impacts include:
The University of Minnesota's "Parent's Forever" handbook provides parents with dozens of free, in-depth resources to help cope with these changes. The resources come in three different categories: taking care of yourself, taking care of your children, and how to be successful in co-parenting. Also in this handbook are examples of the child's rights and how they should correspond with the parents' responsibilities. If the child's rights and the parents' responsibilities aren't aligning, the divorce or separation can have lasting negative impacts on the child, and their relationship with their parents. Some of these impacts include:
- Dropping out of high school
- Being unemployed
- Having troubled marriages and relationship challenges
- Having weaker ties with either or both parents
- Experience symptoms of psychological distress, including depression
- See long-term impacts into adulthood in many children
To avoid these potential impacts, the previously mentioned rights and responsibilities need to be met. Please choose one set of rights/responsibilities (or provide us with an example not listed) from the UMN Parent's Forever handbook and further explain how making sure that both are met will prevent negative impacts on the parent, child, and parent-child relationship.
If you have been through a divorce or separation, and you don't mind sharing,what were important things that you and your parents did to alleviate the stress that comes with it? If you have not been through a divorce or separation, what are your thoughts on it and how it affects parent, child, and parent-child relationship? If divorce was your only option, what would you do to assure your child keeps their childhood, instead of being burdened with the stress of your divorce?
The set of rights/responsibilities I choose was the right of a child to not be in the middle of the parents divorce or separation. They should not be used a pawn and carry such a burden when its not their problem. The responsibility of the parent is to keep their child out of their adult problems. They need to shelter their child from conflict and adult arguments tied to the divorce/separation. The parent should provide assurance and loving support. I think by making sure both of these sides are met it will help the relationship between the parent and child greatly. I hear so many stories of children being brought into the middle of their parents divorce and being forced to choose a side or talk badly about the other parent or be a pawn to gain child support. Children should not be put in the middle and by making the child and parent aware of their rights and responsibilities we can avoid the current and future impacts on the relationship. By doing this the parent and child can reduce the impact of a negative relationship or weaker, un-trusting ties. There could be less chance of depression and future relationship anxiety or troubles in their own personal relationships.
ReplyDeleteI personally have not experienced divorce, but if it were to happen to me I would make sure my child is aware of what is happening and allow them to come to me with any questions or concerns. I would leave them out of the situation as much as possible, but I realize children can easily be affected by divorce so I would be supporting and comforting. I think I might enlist the help of a family therapist just to ensure my children's mental and emotional feelings are being dealt with properly.
The set of rights/responsibilities I chose was "You have the right to be in a safe environment. This means that no one is allowed to put you into danger, either physically or emotionally." I chose that right because children especially need to feel safe. Children and adults who do not feel safe in their home environment could start to have really bad anxiety and start to not be able to attend social or emotional concerns. Having social safety refers to being safe from verbal abuse from their parent. Or verbal abuse from the child. Emotional safety is the internal sense of being safe. Not being able to feel safe in the home environment affects the parent and child's ability to function, teach, and learn. Having a positive home environment can play an important role such as developing trusting and positive relationships with one another. The parent-child will have a more comfortable relationship with one another as well.
ReplyDeleteI have not experienced divorce growing up. My thoughts on how it effects the parent is that it is a rough time in life having to deal with going through all of the paperwork, court, having to adjust to a different life style, being able to have a positive relationship with the child(ren), and other factors that go into having a divorce. It seems like it would be a long, hard process. My thoughts on how it effects the child makes me sad because it is very hard having to adjust only having to live with one parent, or choosing which parent they would like to live with. It affects their school, and mental health. It also affects the child(ren) long run too with their future relationships and how they view marriage and relationships with others. They will also have trust issues as well.
I think going to counseling would be a great option to assure the child keeps their childhood. So the child has someone they can talk to about how they are actually feeling and be comfortable talking to someone and get the help needed for the child.
I have not personally been through a divorce but I have seen how it has impacted close friends of mine. I think minimizing transitions is crucial in a divorce. Obviously a lot is going to change but keeping things consistent such as school, daycare providers, housing (if possible) is so important for children going through a divorce. I think maturity is also a big factor. Parents setting aside their differences and not allowing their children to see/hear the process of divorce. Dealing with divorce related material maturely and not fighting, keeping respect in the relationship for the sake of the kids. Growing up is stressful enough without feeling like you have an unstable home life. Parents have the power to make divorce easier on children if they are able to set aside their differences and solve problems efficiently.
ReplyDeleteI think a right of children experiencing their parent's divorce is the right to continue to be parented/emotionally cared for, and vice versa, the parent's responsibility to recognize their weakened capacity to parent during conflict and upheaval and continue to provide their child with support. Divorce and transition is stressful enough on children, but often the parents' preoccupation with the present conflict often robs kids of adequate monitoring, check-ins, discipline, bonding with family, and discipline- whether it comes from a conscious place of guilt for the parent or if it is incidentally neglected. When I was 15 and my parents got divorced for the first time, I had no monitoring and no one asked me where I was going, who I was with, or how I was doing because the conflict of my family was all-consuming at the time, and both of my parents were fighting to keep it together given their financial and relational stress. Many parents may subconsciously feel like it is okay to temporarily focus on the relationship that needs the most attention (marital)for the short-term and return to the family's new "norm" post-transition. However, I think this time gap of absentee or weakened parenting that many children experience during a divorce is the reason for many of the symptomatic and long-term impacts that occur when a child doesn't feel safe, accountable, or emotionally supported anymore.
ReplyDeleteThere are many things to consider with children when going through a divorce. I have not personally been involved in a divorce but I have seen plenty of friends, family and acquaintances in the situation. I would say one of the biggest rights that children have in a divorce is the right to know. Of course there is a line to be drawn when it comes to how much they need to know and also depends on the age of the children, but I do not believe in leaving them in the dark or lying to them.
ReplyDeleteI believe that the divorce obviously affects the parents, their relationship and also the relationship between each individual parent and if their is more than on sibling it affects their relationships as well. Taking time to spend with their children is something that the parents can do and remembering to consider their feelings and how they might be reacting to the whole situation.
I also haven't personally experienced a divorce. However, like how some have already stated, I have friends whose parents have gone through a divorce. In some cases, the child grows up and is okay with the fact that both parents aren't together. In other cases, the result from the divorce left a scar that can't be erased and the longing for the parents to come back together again to complete the family is always on their mind. I feel like the parent has the responsibility of working together to find strategies for parenting apart. Most children of divorced parents are put under the stress from the lack of one parent in their life, and that takes a toll on their mental health, and possibly physical health too. By working together, but apart, they can alleviate the stress from the child. Like how Lilly had stated, the child should not be carrying the burden when it wasn't the child's fault for the separation.
ReplyDeleteI personally have not gone through a divorce, but I have watched many of my friends experience it within their own families. I think that most of the time it negatively affects the child and the parent-child relationship at first, but things get back to normal after awhile. At the beginning of the process, many of my friends felt guilty for their parents' divorce and blamed themselves that their parents were not able to work out their problems. This can have a lot of psychological effects on children if they feel responsible for the divorce, but also out of control due to the consequences of it, which directly affect them. They have to adjust to living in two houses and being apart of two families, and they might not get to see one of their parents very often depending on the situation with custody. The parent-child relationship can also be affected negatively if the parent fails to continue to discipline their child and maintain the power differential. Like was mentioned in class, if parents feel bad about the divorce, they could stop enforcing the rules or also not be able to enforce them if they are negatively impacted by the divorce, as well.
ReplyDeleteIf I were to get divorced in the future, I would ensure that my children can keep their childhood by actively making an effort keep the children uninvolved in the process. It is important never to bash the other parent or make the child feel like they have to pick a side. It is also important to remind the child that it was not their fault and to focus on the positives about the divorce, as well as giving the child options about their living situation without pressuring them.
I thought this was an especially interesting topic because I know family members and friends who have been through this but have not personally myself. In my opinion, divorce can be a messy process in order to reach a better/happier outcome. My uncle got divorced to his wife after over twenty years of marriage and I haven't seen him or his children happier since it happened. While I realize that marriage is a huge commitment and shouldn't be taken lightly, I don't think you should spend the rest of your life miserable simply because you are against divorce.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the rights/responsibilities, I thought the "Taking Care of Yourself" was a pretty good place to find more resources about this whole process especially in terms of yourself. As I said earlier, at some point you have to take care of yourself so that you can be the best parent you are able to and not be bogged down by the negativity of being in an unhealthy relationship.
If divorced was my only option, I would do everything I could to be there as much as I could and make sure my child understood what was going on. Hopefully through explanation, they would understand that it would make everyone happier and it would be an easier process for them.
I feel that there is a lot of measures that happen to a family when going through a divorce. Both the parents and children are effected directly. I personally had a hard time coping with my parents divorce. the main reason was that me and my siblings didn't see and spend time more with our father than we expected. It was really hard for us to meet up and hang as well because he moved to a different town that was a four hour drive from our home.
ReplyDeleteMy siblings and I felt the most pain through the divorce of parents because we lost our original family structure. Since our father moved out we lost a father figure in our home and it seemed more difficult for my younger siblings adapt to since they really don't understand why their mom and dad couldn't be together. But as years went by the where able to used to the fact that their parents weren't together regardless the weak tie with our father.
I feel that it is very hard for parents to provide equal amount of attention and support to their children especially if all the children are in complete custody to one of the parents(usually the mother). Even though both parents are not at the state that they were before with their marriage and their children I feel that they should both give equal and active attention and ties to their children in our to nourish the lives of their children as they grow up
I think one thing to consider for the parent-child relationship is the child's age or the children in the family’s ages. I have not personally been through to know what it feels like to go through a divorce in my family, but I would imagine what a child's age is important to consider on how to approach and watch-over them during this process. Recently, my brother went through a divorce and my brother was really sensitive to meeting the needs of my niece. For example, the going back and forth and the change of family dynamic along with not being the center of attention obviously affected my niece, but I think that being sensitive and patient and playing along with the things that my niece liked to do really helped.
ReplyDeleteI think that one of the most important rights of the child is to not be put in the middle of the conflict between their parents. And I think this also is very true for parents that are still together! No child deserves to be used by one parent to hurt the other, or to have to carry the burden of the details of the conflict between their parents.
ReplyDeleteI have never personally experienced divorce, but I am married to someone who's parents divorced when he was in elementary school. And I know that from the outside, they did a good job of sharing custody, splitting holiday time, and having both sets of extended family involved in their kid's lives. At the same time, I see that the divorce and conflict between parents left many emotional wounds that the children have had to deal with well into adulthood. I think parents' need to be more conscious of how their emotional state and conflict impacts children, especially those old enough to understand that the parents are fighting, but not old enough to be able to emotionally handle the conflict. I think that really being in tune with how parents' choices create huge transitions and challenges for children and possibly involving therapists is really necessary for families going through divorce. Even if the children seen fine at the time, these transitions can be really difficult and impact them long into the future.