Context Matters

Another article for this week was from the Economist, titled "Parenting in America: Choose Your Parents Wisely." It profiles families who live in two very different settings: Bethesda, Maryland - an upper middle class suburb of Washington DC, and Cabin Creek, West Virginia.

Whereas our discussion of Millenial parents focused on time (current day experiences of a generation) and the heavy influence of social media, this article discusses socioeconomic differences in families and the influence of 'place.'

In the comments section below, please discuss the following questions:

How would you characterize children's outcomes in the two settings? 

How would you characterize parenting experienced by the children in the two settings?

What is life like for the parents in the two settings? 

And in particular, what role does where the families live play in parenting, and children's experiences and outcomes? 

Please don't feel the need to respond to all questions. Just contribute to the conversation, and when you join in, please offer something not yet voiced.

Millenial Parents

In class we read the article from Time magazine, Help! My Parents are Millenials, and discussed what influences them as parents. Which of course, serves as influences on what they bring to the relationships with their children.

Below is a summary of the lists of influences you crafted in your small groups:

• social media, including blogs  
• values and stress related to being a good/perfect parent (possibly as an outgrowth of the influx of information from multiple sources)
• values for working hard, and working and raising a family (fewer choices for stay-at-home parenting)
• see more diversity among families, including differences in family structures with single parenting
• values for individuality, including unique names
• values for democratic parenting with children; a more collaborative approach in decision-making for the child v. overscheduling the child into many things or being one-sided and authoritarian in expectations
• compared to how they were raised, they may parent children in similar ways or the complete opposite, based on personal experiences. In other words, personal choice.

The role of technology for millenials is particularly key. You identified technology's influence as being:

• information is public (to a point) through social media; posting pictures and 'portfolio-izing' family life; presenting what is a perfect family/parenting
• can set up feelings of competition among parents 
• can set up feelings of inadequacy

• classrooms are increasingly featuring technology in teaching and learning (including smart boards, tablets)

• children may feel forced to grow up sooner because of the emergence of smart technology (that shares information quickly

• unlimited access to good and bad information does not have an age limit for parents - not good for all children

• constant sources of information - much from self-authored content through social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc) can create an expectation that there is more information available to know and for decision-making

• much sharing in social media - advice, offers of support; also music (conveys values and beliefs expressed)

Please share any insights missed or misrepresented here in your comments. And thank you all for your contributions.

Certainly our point in time and the massive influence of technology and social sharing that has flooded parents' experiences with perspectives from others that offer more information and even a bias in information that can shape what and how parents believe about parenting. As discussed in class, this can be a good thing (more information) and a bad thing (greater 'volume' over certain messaging) that might contribute to indecision and insecurities. Yet we also discussed that individual differences may dictate those parents who are influenced by all of this negatively, and those for whom it is not a challenge to screen out the noise and make their own decisions, and feel confident in their choices. These parents may be gathering information from their decision-making from other sources we've discussed in class, including

• their personal experiences
• their friends
• their family members
• others they know who are parents/who they trust with advice on childrearing
• others?

A question then is, how to help parents live with this mass media of information that can be very overwhelming for some, yet remain confident in their choices and decision-making?

Please share your thoughts in the comments below.

The Impact of Our Parent-Child Relationships

Today at the very rushed end of class, I asked you to consider your relationship with a parent and what the impacts of that might be. Below is a list of your responses (feel free to correct or add to this). My questions for comment are these:

> As you review this list, consider the themes that you see.

> Taking at least one of these outcomes, HOW might the relationship contribute? To give words to our experience in relationships is to share our understanding of what they are, how they operate, how they feel, and to understand the motivations and influences on the parent and on the child.

Read through other comments posted and try to identify one on the list that has not yet been mentioned.

·      How to see the world

·      How the world sees the individual

·      How to bring one’s own sense of purpose

·      The ability to grow from a sense of having a safety net

·      Being successful in life

·      Learning from the other person in the relationship

·      Gaining independence, and becoming self-sufficient

·      Appreciate the mistakes that the parent made, learn from the parent’s modeling, to not replicate those in own life

·      Gain confidence in trying new things (again with that sense of having a safety net)

·      Learning how to react to the world

·      Learning from the relationship as a model for how to engage in other relationships

·      Gaining a sense of obedience to expectations

·      Gaining confidence in how to deal with changes

·      Learn emotional self-regulation

·      Further own abilities to become whom we want to be

For example, if we take the first one: "How to see the world" the impact relates to adult perceptions that can shape choices and interactions with others and with the larger society. The relationship between the parent and the child may affect this through the communication shared between the parent and the child throughout the child's lifetime. That communication may be described as, interaction that shares the parents' own perspective, that asks the child about his or her understanding of the world, to interpret the actions of other people or events, to discuss consequences or benefits. And a context description of the communication is that communication may be shared in a space that is continuous, trusted, respectful. 

Your turn: What themes do you see in this list of impacts? What role might the parent-child relationship play in influencing that impact?  

Seeking a balance

In our readings this week, Kuczynski presents a variety of models on the theme of bidirectionality in the parent child relationship. And on page 4 is a table of assumptions that differentiate unilateral and bilateral models. As you can see from the table, in a bidirectional/bilateral view of relationships, both individuals have agency (asserting individual intention) and the power dynamic is interdependent and asymmetric. As a mother, I assert my agency (intention) for how late my teenage daughter might stay out on a school night, and assert my power in communicating what that is and why and what might happen if she doesn't adhere to that. Yet my love and affection for her gives her power. And as a teenager she has many cognitive, social and practical resources that she can employ to assert her own agency.

If we look at the Wiggins matrix, we can see agency balanced with communion. What does that mean for relationships? To me it means that individuals weigh the assertion of their own interests on balance with their interest for maintaining a relationship (bond, communion) with another human being. I might feel it necessary to assert my influence on my daughter's time to fulfill my responsibility in guiding her behavior and keeping her safe, yet to do so to the point of damaging our relationship defeats my goal. Remembering the value of relationship - that it is a foundation that will sustain us through the many ups and downs of our lives - am conscientious to phrase my interest in her safety and guide her development in a way that invites the development of her agency. And always I am conscious of what she is learning from our interaction, because a big part of my job as a parent is as a guide to her growth into adulthood.

In the parenting styles literature (Diana Baumrind's work, mostly), we see authoritative, authoritarian and permissive (and neglectful) parenting in the balance of warmth and demandingness. Also known as 'love and limits.' Authoritative parenting strikes a balance of the two. I am 'demanding' in my setting my daughter's curfew, yet I show 'warmth' through my discussion with her about why, secure her understanding and negotiate with her, if appropriate. Imbalances in permissive parenting (extra warmth, not much demandingness) and authoritarian (extra demandingness, not much warmth) and neglectful (no warmth, no demands) then follow.

Parenting styles are more about parents' techniques; relationship dimensions consider investments by both players, with an eye to the dynamic (relationship).

Please watch these two clips from "Dead Poets Society" and from "Once and Again" and in the comment section, please discuss what you see related to these relationship dynamics.

Dead Poets Society: http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/15059

Once and Again: http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/12847

The Heart of Parenting

When we consider parents and parenting, very often we view the relationship as from parent to -> child. Even if we acknowledge that children have an influence on their parents, it seems natural to view the relationship in some kind of hierarchical way. Parents are

• older than their children. 
• physically bigger (for a while anyway)
• given responsibility in society to raise, provide for, guide and care for children
• more powerful in terms of material and financial assets, and determine how those assets are distributed with their children
• and so on...

And because of parents' responsibilities for childrearing, we view what happens to children as the outcome of parents' efforts. In fact, a lot of research studies are linear in examining parent influence (e.g., parenting actions, expectations, communication, characteristics of parents) as a predictor of children's academic achievement, emotional well-being, skills (social or antisocial).

Yet to hold this one way view that places sole or primary importance on children's outcomes can ignore two critical dimensions:

1. That parents are also human beings whose growth is dynamic and continuous and that the act of parenting is a significant influence on their own adult development.  And

2. The importance of the relationship between parents and children, as a mediator of parenting influence and as a mediator of children's influence on parents.

Consider: What words would you use to describe something about your relationship with a parent? Think about your relationship with parent (or someone very close to you, who would be considered in a parenting role to you).

Consider: What occurred (or occurs) because the relationship is as it is? 

And of course, dynamics can be good, bad, variable, good for some things, weak on others. And as strength produces strength, weakness can result in challenging outcomes.

In the comments section, please share your thoughts about a relationship with a parent. How would you describe it? (Beyond being 'good' or 'fair' please stretch yourself to identify words that characterize it (if you're research minded, you might ask, if someone was observing, what would they see) And because your relationship is as it is, what has occurred or happened? When you consider who you are as a young adult, what might be attributed to the relationship that you have with a parent?

Here's an example: For my own part, I would characterize my relationship with my mother growing up as stable, secure and dependable. Because our relationship was like this, I felt able to experience life because I always knew she was there for me, in case anything bad happened. It felt like a safety net, which I needed, until I felt like I could provide it for myself.

(Note: Please write what you feel comfortable sharing here. Our aim is to open discussion to the dimensions of relationships and what they can mean to their participants)

Learning About Parent-Child Relationships

In this course, FSOS 4155 Parent-Child Relationships, we are exploring the dynamics between parents and children that create the lifelong bond and that have countless influences on the development of the child, and of the parent as an adult.

We'll begin by looking at the internal dynamics between parents and children that drive relationships - human development, life stage, personal characteristics, contexts and psychological motivations, such as the drive for agency and for communion. Then we'll explore parent-child relationships over the normative trajectory of the transition to parenthood through infancy and early childhood, through schoolage, adolescence, young adulthood and then parent-child relationships between the adult as child and the adult as parent into grandparenthood and caring for our aging parents.

At each turn, to reinforce the content provided to us in readings, web links, videos and lecture files, we will provide a brief summary of the key points. This summary will aid personal learning and it will focus on salient topics that we as a class believe that parents need to know. If we were parent educators designing a class for parents on the topic, we would ask:

• what is important for parents to know
• what is important for parents to be able to do

For example, if we were working with parents of newborns and the discussion centered on forging a secure attachment with babies, it is important for them to know about brain development of the infant and how a secure attachment to the caregiver promotes neural connections in number and in depth and diminishes the possibility of hormones that destroy those connections (such as when the infant experiences stress and trauma). It is important for parents to be able to forge a secure attachment relationship with their infant, and information about how to hold the infant, respond to the infant's cues, be attuned to the infants' rhythms, make eye contact, speak to the infant and such would be valuable to learning the skills that result in positive attachment.

Specific to our discussion on the blog we will go further with our application and ask:

• how can technology aid in parents gaining the information that they need to know, and
• how can technology aid in parents gaining the skills that they need

With 'technology' being a pretty large term to encompass interactions and information search on the Internet, virtual realities, the use of social media to connect with family, friends and others, the use of cell phones, texting, email, videoconferencing for communication, the use of 'technology' for entertainment, personal expression, and utility purposes (like shopping, record keeping, banking).

Our comments in response to these questions will identify perhaps, websites with information on the topic (in that case, technology as a resource for helping parents gain the information they need), a helpful video (to watch and observe useful skills), an online group that offer parents social interactions to exchange information with other parents, ask questions, help with decision-making, an app for the mobile phone.

From our class to the online platform then, our learning about parent-child relationships will be personal and shared and easily accessible to us 24/7 - as it is for parents as well.