Drill Sergeant Dad?

Quite fitting for our exploration of parenting toddlers and young children and what discipline, guidance and punishment mean in the big scheme of things is this recent story in Time magazine:
http://time.com/4231136/discipline-child-marine/?xid=newsletter-politics?xid=newsletter-parents

The view of disciplining children from a Drill Sergeant father. The suggestions are pretty interesting and not what one might think, given the lead in. They reflect our discussion of young children's development, what they can do and what they are learning to do, and our emphasis on understanding children and keeping focused on the relationship. There's even a dose of guidance related to technology in the household.

As you read through this article, what resonates with you most about the principles that Chris Lopez suggests? How does this relate to your own experiences growing up or what you have seen as an adult with other parents and caregivers?

Parenting Toddlers

Toddlerhood is defined as age 18 months to 3 years old. During this time, parenting can seem extra challenging. Toddlers are experiencing a time of great growth and learning, and often behave irrationally. In the link “I Said I Want the Red Bowl! Responding to Toddler’s Irrational Behavior,” a few main points summarize the causes of toddlers’ behavior. First, Toddlers are driven by emotion, so their actions are often illogical. However, this is to be expected. Second, Toddlers are becoming more aware that they are separate beings. They are learning to use strategy to gain control, which in their mind may be something as simple as using a specific cup for their juice. Last, they do not have enough tools to deal with the very strong feelings and emotions they are experiencing. Toddlers are still developing skills of self-regulation. 

The author of this reading then goes on to provide some suggestions for parents with toddlers:

-       Stay in control when your child is spiraling out of control.

-       Keep in mind that you can’t actually make your child do anything–eat, sleep, pee, poop, talk, or stop having a tantrum.

-       Show empathy and validate the feeling.

-       Set the limit and provide acceptable choices.

The Edwards and Liu reading touches on some of the other themes that are presented in toddler research that help to explain their often irrational behaviors. Toddlers are exploring, and trying to understand these ideas: autonomy and independence, self-concept, impulse control or emotional regulation, empathy and morality, gender identity or gender role identification, and becoming connected to others and a member of society. These themes can be further explained and supported using theories and research.

Another important concept to keep in mind when thinking about how to parent toddlers, is the parenting style that is being used. As we talked about in class, parenting styles are a result of certain combination of demand (structure) and responsiveness (warmth). As stated by the author of the first article, it is important to set limits, or provide clear structure, for toddlers as they are learning how to self-regulate their emotions. Parents also need to show empathy, or provide warmth and understanding. Thus, it seems that an Authoritative parenting style is key to parenting toddlers.

After reading all of this, I thought it would be fun to look at toddlers throwing some crazy tantrums, as this is a very common issue that parents deal with when their children are this age. So please pick one of these videos to watch (I hope they make you giggle!), then answer the following questions:

1.     Does the parent exhibit an authoritative parenting style? Why or why not?

2.     What themes (such as the ones given in the Edwards and Liu reading) did you see in the video or can you infer from the toddler’s actions?

3.     What did the parent do well, or what are your suggestions for better dealing with the situation?

4.     Any other comments you want to share??

It’s Too Heavy!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ycoXiEDBZk

Carseat Tantrum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6NzGj1eWc0

I Don’t Want To Go To School

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UVLi06CIy9Y

The Changing Role of Fathers and the Impact of Cultural Contexts on Development

In the slides and readings leading up to this weeks discussion we touch base on a lot of important issues involving the roles fathers play in helping the development of their children as well as the important factor of how culture plays a key role in the values and traditions of ones parenting and upbringing.

As Professor Walker touched on in her post about fathers needing a paternity leave and not just mothers because of the added value and importance fathers play in their child's lives, we should also consider the way fathers may feel about their portrayal across all types of media (movies, TV shows, social media, in books, etc.). Fathers used to be seen as a type of walk on role, there when discipline or money is needed. Now days they are portrayed as the cold, evil, strict, big fool, and uninvolved parent when this is not the case for all fathers. Based on these portrayals fathers may feel de-valued as a significant parental figure and they may feel silenced to the ways they think they should parent. Do you think the way the media portrays fathers makes them feel de-valued and unsure of how they should parent or do you think some fathers rely on media to show them how they should parent and act around their children?  Despite how the media portrays fathers, we know for a fact that fathers play a key role in the development of their children. One role is a dad's play, which is more physical and tactile helps generate a baby's self-control abilities and aids in the prediction of how the child will be viewed and accepted. As Dr. Pruet said, "Fathers are the greatest untapped resource in the lives of their children."

Moving away from fathers, we also learned about the impact and role culture plays in the upbringing and parenting styles of the parent-child relationship. Culture is seen as the symbolic system of norms, rules, symbols, language, and network of social relations. Meaning the system developed from interaction processes. Parent- Child relationships are the most intimate, enduring, and non-voluntary relations we have. In the readings we learned how the relationships and interactions transmit and transform cultural meanings. We learned how different cultures raise their young (subsistence farming, hunter-gatherer, individualistic, etc.) the development process they go through and the skills needed to live in that type of culture. If you would like, share something you found interesting or that surprised you about the way different cultures influence development. Feel free to use examples of the different cultures we learned about or from your own experience.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love... in the Movies

It's Valentines Day weekend, so it's a great time to watch and talk about movies about love. Films about romance are among the biggest box office of all time - Titanic, Gone with the Wind - and are in everyone's favorite film lists.

What is your favorite film about love? 

Mine I think, is Enchanted April. It's about four women who rent a house in Italy just after World War I. They are escaping the mundane of their London lives and represent different social classes, ages, and marital status (single, widowed, married). In the enchanted beauty of the Italian countryside, each reconnects with what it means to feel love; love with someone they've long been with, love with someone they've just met, and love with others they find as family and can let go of the past. It's a totally gorgeous film to watch given the setting and the time period, the acting is top rate, and the music is well, enchanting. Here's the trailer (ignore the ad after it finishes): 

How about you? What's your favorite movie about love? With whomever or however you define it.

The Benefits to Moms and Babies from Helping Dads

Coming into next week we will be talking more about fathers and babies. Specifically that fathers play a darned important role as parents and caregivers to children, form strong secure and lasting relationships with them, and have tremendous influence on children's outcomes. I doubt if you'll disagree from your own experiences with fathers. Even if the experiences haven't been as active or as positive as it might be with your mother.

There are a couple recent news items related to fathers that actually have more to do with how we as a society treat men as fathers. That ultimately have to do with how we treat mothers and what it means for children.

In one story from Time magazine, we learn that when men have paternity leave, their children and the mothers are better off. And as the title suggests, women are encouraged to lobby for paternity leave for men. All men. Workplace leave means that in cases of childbirth (aka maternity leave) the employee can be absent from work for up to 6 weeks (minimum) and guaranteed that their job is still in place. In some cases, the salary or pay continues despite the leave (compensated). While companies may have this leave for the mother, many do not have a similar policy in place for fathers. So if the baby is born on Saturday, he's back to work on Monday (unless he takes personal or sick leave, if he has it). In many low wage jobs, not returning to work means the loss of work all together, as there is no leave policy.

How might women and children be better off if the fathers also have paternity leave? At the very least it offers shared responsibility for caregiving, meaning diminished stress and strain on the new mother and giving her time to sleep and recover. But of course more time with the baby means more opportunities for bonding between the father and the baby, a stronger secure attachment with two caregivers.

A second story paints a bleak picture for women in academia as mothers, but essentially gets to the same point about advocating for equal policies for moms and dads. The news item shares that men and women without children are more likely to get tenure than women with children. The article offers the ironic fact that "In fact, academia has the distinction of being a more punishing profession for mothers than either law or medicine." So, here I am a faculty member who teaches the value of strong parenting, yet as a woman I risk my career future if I also have a child.

Tenure, as you probably know, is job security for those of us who work in higher ed with faculty positions (well, those who are hired into these kinds of employment lines. Others may be instructors, or administrators or staff with jobs that are contracted or salaried, but not guaranteed or protected). Tenure isn't given - ha! It is earned and faculty do very rigorous work in research productivity, teaching, and service over a period of years (6) and then submit documentation that has to be voted on at department, college and university levels. So, it's tough to get. Some don't. And once you're tenured you still maintain a high level of performance to move up ranks (from assistant to associate to full professor). Just ask. I'm a tenured associate professor and have the gray hairs and wrinkles to prove it.

So to be in academia, the demands of being a mother (because we want to be really good parents for our children) are managed along with the heavy demands of being productive as researchers, teachers and professionals. But in households in which men are seeking tenure, the load is absorbed more by their wives, often so that he can do what he needs to to get tenure. Or women put off having children or not had at all because of or to accommodate the demands of academia.

Let's not blame the men for this. Remember, there's still a ton of socialization that goes on that reinforces the women are caregivers and workers and men work and provide care to their children around the margins. And then there are policies (including in academia that yes, is a workplace) that don't offer men paternity leave, again reinforcing that women are the ones 'meant' to be with their children.

The article leads to the same point as the one in Time, that advocacy is needed for equal rights for men and for women, for mothers and for fathers (for parents equally in same-sex couples and for both parents regardless of biological birth or adoption. 

The US as a national stinks when it comes to work supports for families, compared with other countries. This passage is from US News and World Report article in 2014:

According to Francine Blau and Lawrence Kahn of Cornell University, nearly a third of the decline in women’s labor force participation results from a lack of policies that support the primary parent (almost always the mother). Since 2000, most European countries have expanded policies like parental leave, child care and protection of part-time workers. Meanwhile, the U.S. has done practically nothing in these areas.
America’s last significant family-friendly workplace policy was a 1993 bill that provided for up to 12 weeks of leave for some employees. [NOTE: About the time most of you reading this were born. It's been that long] And even though that bill provides only unpaid time off, it leaves many workers unprotected: Roughly 40 percent of U.S. workers are employed by companies with fewer than 50 employees, and these small businesses are exempt from the requirement.

Advocating for paternity leave for fathers can have direct implications on his caregiving to the baby and children, indirect aid to the mother (supporting her to do something other than caregiving) and direct aid to the family by enabling the mother's own ability to work and bring in income to the family.

Given what you're reading about fathering (the Gottman piece on "Add Warm Fathering") and from watching the "To Be a Father" video, what are your thoughts about work place policies that favor giving dads time off to be with their children? Why is it, do you think, that we don't do a better job supporting fathers to take leave? Or that we don't have equal parental benefits for men and for women? 
 

Temperament and Insecure Attachment

Going off of the video and slides we used to prepare for the insecure attatchment portion of class, we learned about the "9 Temperament Traits", the "Goodness of Fit" and the "3 Personality Types" discovered by Thomas and Birch.

When taking notes on the Temperament Traits, I kept thinking about where I fell as an individual on on each of the temperament trait scales.

The 9 Temperament Traits are:
1) Activity Level
2) Regularity
3) Approach/Withdrawal
4) Adaptability to Change in Routine
5) Level of Sensory Threshold
6) Positive/Negative Mood
7) Intensity of Response
8) Distractibility
9) Persistance and Attention Span

I feel as though a lot of you guys thought about where you fell on the scales as well. For the first response I want you to pick ONE of the temperaments and describe where you would fall on the scale and use an example from your life to support your answer.

Lastly, Thomas and Birch came up with the "3 Personality" types. This has received a lot of criticism because only 65% of children fit into 1 of the 3 categories. For the last response i'd like to know if you as an individual believe you fit into one of the three categories and if you believe it's an efficient way to categorize people or not.

Lessons from the Super Bowl about Parent-Child Relationships

Well, sort of. Given today's big event it seems appropriate to have a post on the Super Bowl. One consideration as we think about parenting and parent-child relationships is what children learn from participating in sports and to some extent, watching sports.

Consider this perspective from a former pro football player and dad, by Carey Wallace, writing for Time magazine:

The Superbowl might be the country’s biggest entertainment event of the year, with one out of every three Americans glued to the screen as the game unfolds.

But between the commercials, and the pop stars, and the non-stop action of the game, is there anything that kids can really learn?

Chad Hennings, a three time Super Bowl champion with the Dallas Cowboys, and author of Forces of Character: Conversations About Building A Life of Impact, says yes.

“To me,” Hennings says, “sports is probably the best leadership laboratory or character laboratory that there is.”

Much of what sports has to offer, Hennings says, has to do with “actual hands on experimentation”: teamwork, overcoming adversity, being a good sport, learning follow through, self-discipline, and self reliance.

But kids can also learn important lessons from sports as spectators.

From the time kids are elementary age, Hennings says, parents who watch sports with children can focus not just on the skill of an athlete, “but watch how they handle themselves from a character perspective: How do they interact with teammates? How do they react when they strike out?”

In middle school, parents can start to encourage kids to compare the behavior of athletes they see on the field to the way they’d like to act themselves, Hennings says: “How should we do that when we have the opportunity? How do you want to react?” Parents can also ask kids questions that help them to choose mentors and heroes based on more than raw skill, says Hennings. “Don’t just choose a role model because they’re a great athlete. Choose an athlete of character that handles themselves the right way.”

High school kids, says Hennings, can begin “taking those life lessons and making analogies to real world situations.” Once they’ve observed a player’s character, says Hennings, they can begin to ask questions like “Can I rely on that individual? When the stress levels rise, are they going to cheat, compromise, head for the hills when adversity hits? Who are good teammates who you can trust?”

And, Hennings says, kids can start to ask themselves whether they are acting as a team player in all walks of life: “someone that lives to be their best self every day, and encourages others to do the same.

Whether you watch sports, or participate(d) in sports,  what did it teach you about character and team work? Or did you learn something else? If your parents were involved say, as co-participants in watching sports with you, did you have conversations about character and decision-making? Were these opportunities for your parents to fulfill the 'guide development' role and help you learn from what you watched, or engaged in? 

Another perspective about parenting and the Super Bowl is offered by Joey Stark, one of our class community. Joey shared this video sung by children (and adults) for whom Super Bowl Sunday has a very special meaning (you may see it elsewhere tonight during the game). It's a great video! Only I can't get the Seal song out of my head now. What do you think of it?

The Power of Parenting Amidst Trauma

In class yesterday, I offered a review of the film, "Room." The film is nominated for several Academy Awards, including Best Picture and Best Actress, and is an adaptation of the book by the same name. The story is told from the perspective of a 5 year old boy, Jack. We learn eventually that his world is a 10 x 10 storage shed where his lives with his mother, a young woman who was abducted 7 years earlier. She ("Ma") has made as normal a life as she can for him, teaches him and keeps his body and mind active, and protects him. Remember our pyramid of parenting roles?

 We've also been talking about context and stress on parents, as it affects children directly and as it affects parents, as individuals, and also as they attempt to fulfill these roles. Simply put, anyone in a highly stressful environment has a harder time doing their job. Put in a highly stressful environment continuously, the job is even harder and the situation starts to have negative effects on the parent's mental health. Which affects parenting.

In the fictitious but actually based on rare but true stories, 'Room' offers us stressful context influences on parenting and on child development to the max. When we accept that these conditions are possible and not the imaginations of a creative writer, we wonder about the outcomes. What might happen to a child under these conditions - born and raised in a singular environment (more like a cage), seriously limited, and with repeated exposure to trauma. And what too, of the outcomes, when the parent is also enduring this trauma?

Without reading the book or seeing the film, we can still speculate and appreciate what others have to say. A recent article in Slate magazine explored this scenario and interviewed professionals. It's a quick read. In particular though, notice this sentence that starts a paragraph late in the article: "Perhaps a key thing to keep in mind here is that even in the most trying of circumstances, good, attentive parenting can go a long way."

Optimal word here is 'attentive.' Which is a primary focus (no pun intended) for our discussion this week and the weeks coming up regarding 'what babies need,' and 'attachment,' and continuing on in the course.