Overindulging
children can have serious consequences for their futures. A study by Dr. Dan Kindlon of Harvard
University found that, as teenagers, the majority will use drugs, and many will
have problems with self-centeredness, anger, and disordered eating. By limiting their ability to achieve
age-appropriate development and learn life skills for their future, parents
have inadvertently created a situation where they love their child but the
child may not love them back. As these teenagers head towards adulthood, they
will find themselves without the emotional maturity and psychological tools to
succeed independently.
So why do
parents all into a pattern of overindulging their children? Most do not intend to hurt their children’s
future and many may not even understand what they are doing. However, by doing too much for their children,
parents who think they are helping, may actually be harming. And the
consequences for the child can be far reaching, holding them back from fully
reaching adulthood until well into their thirties.
Parents
may overindulge for many reasons, some becoming over involved as a way of
protecting their child, or others giving too many gifts to placate their own
guilt or make up for their own inadequacies.
Still others believe having
successful children will make improve their own image, or that they will lose
their child’s love if they do not provide and indulge in excess. It seems that many parents have slipped into
a pattern of insecurity and confusion in regards to their role in raising their
children. One piece of advice given by
Mary Jane Burson, a family life therapist, is to focus on the future and to
think of “the kind of adults they are
creating”.
Overall, I think that it is important for parents to give children certain responsibilities as they move through life. When the children are younger it may be something as simple as picking up their toys when they are done playing, or taking out the garbage once a week. As the child ages their responsibilities could turn to helping take care of younger siblings, more important chores around the house, or holding a part time job while in high school. Then as college comes around, I think that young adults should have to take some of the financial responsibilities onto themselves. For instance, maybe they have to pay for all of their fun activities, clothes, or food. Or even more drastically, their schooling. While all of these details are up to individual parents, I think that by placing some sort of constant responsibility on kids helps them to prepare for adulthood and the real world outside of the arms of mom and dad. I have seen so many kids get everything handed to them without any work or responsibility as they age. Parents give them anything and everything that they need and ask for, which does not help them grow as a young adult. They do not know how to fend for themselves and they turn to others for help as soon as a curve-ball is thrown their way in life. Overindulging children may seem like you are being a good parent, but it is clear that in the long run it is not in the best interest of the child.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Stephanie, most parents probably do not realize that they may be harming their child instead of helping them when it comes to overindulgence. I see it all the time and am even guilty of it myself. We see a child struggling to finish an activity or to do simple tasks and we just do it for them. Sometimes the child asks or the adult wants to just save some time. The best advice I give to parents, especially new ones is to become interested in their child's developmental track and learn as much as they can. Also, remember that children will learn responsibility as they grow even through simple tasks such as: washing their hands, cleaning up after themselves, brushing their teeth or other things that we may see as minuscule and just as everyday routine.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Ashley, in that as the child ages it is important to not only keep them responsible with the little things but also to add on larger responsibilities as well. I learned this not only through being in the Child Development/Psychology program but also through my own experience growing up and then again through working with children. My parents always kept me responsible by making me earn my allowances and earn my money through chores and whatnot. They also helped me by keeping my accountable for my actions and for irresponsibility.
When I think of this question... I think about authoritative parenting and how authoritative parents are responsive, but also demanding. So, I think that I have learned that you need to find the fine line of the amount of freedom you give your child and the amount of appropriate demands and expectations you have for your child... Because when all said and done, if you are too overprotective of your child, how will they act with they transition into adulthood? And if you aren't protective enough as a parent, how does that make you look...
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Stephanie in that most parents don't intend to overindulge their children, it just happens. My advice for parents is to distinguish between the child's wants and needs. Parents should try to give their child everything they need, not everything they want. Taking early childhood classes could help as well because parents realize what children can and can't do at certain ages and what they should be struggling with and trying to accomplish. Rules are also important and growing up when my dad remarried he introduced a new rule, if one parent says no to something, then its a no, you can't have it or do whatever it is you wanted. This was a good rule and I think most parents should use this rule because it shows the child the parents are a united front and what they say stands.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Ashley's post about giving children specific tasks or responsibilities to do as they grow up. Having chores or doing one or two things around the house here and there benefited me as a child and I think really helped me gain more responsibility and be more aware of what all adults have to do.
I know that growing up a lot of my friends were overindulged and it's noticeable in their adult life. I am the baby of the family and my parents were pretty lenient with me. I was always super honest with my parents about things and they had a very authoritative parenting style. I was never afraid to tell my parents things because I viewed them as a safety net that have the potential to make every problem better. I think parents encouraging boundaries but being open when boundaries are broken. I think encouraging an open relationship with your children instead of exerting dominance upon them is the best thing you can do. Not only does that encourage the child to have an open and honest relationship with their parent but it keeps that relationship growing into adulthood. My parents have become my best friend because we had a very open and honest relationship growing up, I never went through a point where I despised them. I think that encouraging responsibility through tasks is important but also understanding that life changes and situations change and it's important that the parents are flexible with their children.
ReplyDeleteI know someone who has an overindulgence mother. She is always on him about school, and work and asking millions of questions and forcing answers out of him. If she is not happy with one of the answers he provides her, she blows up on him and makes him feel like crap like he can never been good enough and cannot ever live up to his mothers expectations as her son. It makes him feel like crap and he puts himself down a lot and he gets confused a lot about his life and future too because of how his mom is forcing so much out of him. I would advice to parents to just take a step back and let their child breathe and let them figure things out on their own. If they are in trouble, they know that they can always turn to you for help if you build a healthy positive relationship with him.
ReplyDeleteMy parents started to cut me some slack as I was around the age of 16-17 years old. They let me learn the hard way on certain things by letting me be more independent and made me do more things on my own and not always have to ask permission for everything. I like how they started to give me more space and let me learn more things on my own and have me face challenges on my own. It made me grow as a person. I know if I ever need to go to them for anything and ask them for advice on something, I can go to them. But right now, I am 100% on my own. It is really nice to know that that I do have them as a healthy support system if something does go wrong or where I do need help.
I really liked that that study mentioned there are different types of overindulgence, and one of them is just being too permissive. They overindulge the child on freedom to choose and do whatever he or she wants, when in reality the child needs structure and discipline. This is something that really clicked with me and gave me some insight into my own behaviors now as an adult (I had a pretty permissive mother). Most of what I've learned from my mom that will serve me well are what-not-to-do's. Coming from my personal experience, I would advise other parents to guide their children to the right direction with discipline and love, but be sensitive to their needs. Your children aren't you and the things that work for you don't work for them, and you have to respect that.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is important not to overindulge children because they will likely end up with feelings of entitlement if the parents are permissive, which could cause them many issues in their work ethic continuing into adulthood. If children are given everything they want and never given responsibilities, they won't know how to work hard to achieve their goals once their parents are no longer doing everything for them. They could also struggle with relationships if they act like they are above other people and are not taught the consequences of their actions. I know a girl like this, and she has trouble maintaining friendships because she is very rude to people, but demands respect in return.
ReplyDeleteIf the parents are too controlling, it could cause the child to feel helpless. I also have a friend whose parents still plan out all of her classes with her, and chose her major for her when she came to college. She is fully capable of making these types of decisions for herself, and she feels out of control of her own life and has self-esteem issues, similar to your friend, Megan.
An important lesson that I learned from my parents is the importance of a safety net. I was always allowed to make my own decisions, but I was aware of the consequences, and I had my parents to fall back on if I didn’t succeed. I think that being an authoritative parent and setting boundaries is what is going to make a child the most successful, and I will definitely keep this in mind when raising my own children.
Knowing the "fine line", as Joey said, between demands and freedoms for your child is definitely important to understand overindulgence. I think that parents just need to be aware that those small decisions you make to save yourself time (i.e., finishing cleaning a spill for a child because they're not being 100% efficient) will never teach them how to do it by themselves. Having the balance between letting your child have freedom to explore but also adding demands to promote independence will be the key to the child's success.
ReplyDeleteFor myself, living in two different houses as a result of my parents' divorce, I got just that balance. My mom was moderately indulgent - not requiring us to do much around the house, lots of unstructured free time, ability to basically do what we wanted. On the other hand, my dad was a little more strict - prepared meals, certain bed times and curfews, promoting homework time, etc. My brothers both decided to live with my mom once they got old enough. They absolutely loved the freedom. I, however, decided to stay with a mixture of the two homes until my teenage years. I loved having structure and responsibilities. I think that extra time with my dad is why I turned out more independent than my brothers.
I feel that your blog is very informative and right. Many parents fail to understand that even though the are the primary guiders to their children they should also give their children some room and space to learn and comprehend their guidance and feedbacks from their parents. Parents should understand that the relationship between them and their children is a give and take relationship and that they understand that they have no power in controlling the lives of their children according to what they give them. I feel that parents should communicate and relate to their children in a very understandable and supportive way that will enable the children to see whats right and whats wrong on their own.
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