- older than their children.
- physically bigger (for a while anyway)
- given responsibility in society to raise, provide for, guide and care for children
- more powerful in terms of material and financial assets, and determine how those assets are distributed with their children
- and so on...
Yet to hold this one way view that places sole or primary importance on children's outcomes can ignore two critical dimensions:
1. That parents are also human beings whose growth is dynamic and continuous and that the act of parenting is a significant influence on their own adult development. And
2. The importance of the relationship between parents and children, as a mediator of parenting influence and as a mediator of children's influence on parents.
Consider: What words would you use to describe something about your relationship with a parent? Think about your relationship with parent (or someone very close to you, who would be considered in a parenting role to you).
Consider: What occurred (or occurs) because the relationship is as it is?
And of course, dynamics can be good, bad, variable, good for some things, weak on others. And as strength produces strength, weakness can result in challenging outcomes.
In the comments section, please share your thoughts about a relationship with a parent. How would you describe it? (Beyond being 'good' or 'fair' please stretch yourself to identify words that characterize it (if you're research minded, you might ask, if someone was observing, what would they see) And because your relationship is as it is, what has occurred or happened? When you consider who you are as a young adult, what might be attributed to the relationship that you have with a parent?
Here's an example: For my own part, I would characterize my relationship with my mother growing up as stable, secure and dependable. Because our relationship was like this, I felt able to experience life because I always knew she was there for me, in case anything bad happened. It felt like a safety net, which I needed, until I felt like I could provide it for myself.
(Note: Please write what you feel comfortable sharing here. Our aim is to open discussion to the dimensions of relationships and what they can mean to their participants)
My relationship with my father growing up was very dependent, but I think more so than most. At a young age I lost my mother and I think this made me depend on my father twice as much, because instead of having two responsive parents who were always there, I only had one. With what happened in our family unit my father kept it as stable and secure as he could. He raised me like his parents raised him, where whatever he says goes and there wasn't much negotiating. I was aware of the rules and expectations for me and I followed them. Being it was just him and I we both had to grow and learn from each other. We were put in situations we didn't think we would ever be in. I believe it made me grow up faster and become more independent. Because of this relationship I knew how to provide for myself and be more mature than most my age, but if I ever had trouble or was unsure about something I could always rely on him and he would be there to help.
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with my dad growing up was not the greatest. My mom was the primary caregiver and my dad worked a significant amount of hours. We were civil with each other and loved each other, but I never felt as comfortable around him or as emotionally dependent as I wish I would have been able to. My dad grew up in an abusive home with little to no guidance, and in turn never really knew how to be a parent since he never had a real childhood himself. As a result, my mom did both the nurturing and the discipling, and I never really developed a sense of trust in or respect for my dad. As I am getting older, my relationship with my dad is getting better because I have learned to see things from his perspective and to be more empathetic. My relationship with my dad has also played a role in my passion for helping underprivleged children. However, one major problem that has resulted is that I find it harder than most to trust men in my own relationships, whether that be friendships or in dating.
ReplyDelete-Katelyn Castle
I would describe my relationships with my parents as fairly traditional. My mom took on the caregiver, nurturing, understanding roles more often than my dad did. She was a stay at home mom for most of my childhood, so most of my daily interactions were with her. She was the one I would turn to most often for advice, comforting, and fun. As I have aged we have become best friends. She has always welcomed honest communication and her total love. My dad was more of the breadwinner when I was younger. He worked longer hours, so I did not see him as much. However, he was often the more adventurous and silly parent. He is the one that pushes me to go beyond my comfort zone and dream big. He showed me how to persevere in life and was the person I turned to when I needed a helping hand through tough situations. He was also more of the rule enforcer. Overall, I have an extremely solid and loving relationship with my parents. I hope that I can mirror many of their parenting techniques and styles when I have children of my own to form relationships with.
ReplyDelete-Ashley Stainbrook
I can see how my relationship with my mother impacted my own values and desire to care for others. I can see that the way that she supported me and listened to me as a teen and young adult gave me the support and courage I needed to take risks and do what I believed was right for me.
ReplyDeleteI would describe my relationship with my mother as a very dependent relationship, not so much me being dependent on her but, my mother being dependent on me. I grew up in a some-what toxic household where my mother suffered from a lot of mental hardship and with that comes emotional instability. It was very hard on my mother to be raising 4 young children on her own while dealing with her own issues. This came out often in her parenting style, in which she was not able to give and teach us the emotional support needed, because it was hard for her to understand those things on an individual basis. When I think about my impact on my mother and her parenting style, I see myself as someone who was there to lift her spirits and encourage her that things would get better, as a child this was a quick thing I learned that, I understood and handled my emotions in a much different way then my mother. This gave me a different understanding of myself and my mother, which forced me to grow up much faster as I knew that I needed to look elsewhere for support, a lot of which came from my older siblings.
ReplyDeleteThe relationship I have (had) with my mom is one-sided and mostly superficial. By all means my mother has tried her absolute hardest to be a good parent (a tough thing to do starting out at 18), she has all the love in the world for my siblings and I. The thing is, though, we've never seen eye-to-eye on any subject. She's given me everything she ever needed, but I am not her. The things she needs are not anywhere close to what I need. Because of this, I've never felt like my ideas and opinions were ever truly heard and now I don't feel comfortable sharing anything personal in my life with her. I imagine that this strained relationship with my mother has also played a part in my fear of and unwillingness to go out of my way to connect with others.
ReplyDeleteMy parents and I have a pretty rocky relationship. I wouldn't say I don't get along with them, but I couldn't say I'm on great terms with them either. Being born in Laos and having to travel during the Vietnam War just to come to the US in order for their children to be successful, my parents developed a very traditional sense of parenting, in comparison to other parents. Because they were very traditional, they were strict and often lectured to discipline me to be a good Hmong daughter. Their idea of love, was that of tough love. So, I rarely felt that emotional support from my parents. Since they were mainly strict towards the daughters, you could say, I grew up being more rebellious in my early teens. However, has I began my college experience last year as a freshman at the U, I started to gain a better idea of my parents' expectations of me. That rebellious girl, grew up having similar morals and values like her parents.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I only see my parents infrequently, we have a very close relationship. My parents have been divorced since I was three, so I'm very used to bouncing around and seeing them for split parts of the week. Once I was old enough to make the decision on who I wanted to live with, I chose my mom. I chose her because I viewed my dad as stricter than she was (I was only about 13 as I recall), so I could stay up later, eat what I wanted to, and have more friends over at my mom's house. My dad respected my decision and we still visit maybe once a month to catch up. Sometime last year, my mom lost her job in the cities where we lived and found a job near her boyfriend in Fargo. This made it much harder to visit her on the weekends to hangout. Instead, the extent to our conversations are on Facebook and texting. We don't seem to be bothered by this, however. It is just our lifestyles to be extremely busy and catch up the next time we saw each other. I think this level of communication lead to my early independence. I have always been very self-sufficient and I actually accredit this to my parents divorce (gotta find the positive in everything!)
ReplyDeleteI would consider my relationship with my father secure. He was always there for me when my mother wasn't. My mom and I did not have a stable relationship as I was growing up as she would always take her anger out on me. It was hard for me growing up because my mom is disabled, so she was not able to work. That forced my dad to have two jobs, so I was unable to see him a lot. My mother and I never met eye-to-eye on anything and did not believe in me with a lot of things. It was hard just being home alone with her all the time because my dad was the total opposite with me and pushed me to the best and he supported my decisions and listened to me when I needed someone to talk to. My mother made me not want to be home all the time which forced me to become more independent and figure out a lot of things on my own. I had to learn how to get around the cities by myself using public transportation, I had to learn how to spend money wisely, and provide for myself. Since college, I do not go home as often, which has helped my mother and I's relationship become a lot better and we do not argue as much as we use to and she is starting to listen to me more and help me through a lot of things. I think we just needed extra space and time from each other to build a more positive healthy relationship. She has grown a lot and I am proud of her for that. We still have our moments, but they are not as bad as they use to be. Overall, I love my parents to death and I would do anything for them, as they would for me. They mean a lot to me, and made me into the strong, independent, caring, forgiving, and hard working person I am today.
ReplyDeleteMy relationship with my parents is very stable, dependable and open. It wasn't always like this but our family is very open with each other, almost to opened and I think because of that I formed a very close relationship with them where I feel like I can go to them with almost anything. I think I pushed my boundaries growing up and maybe was to open with them about things but because of it I think they have a strong concept about who I am as a person, not just from the view of parents but as friends as well. I wasn't really disciplined growing up, I kind of did my own thing but my parents were strong examples so I didn't abuse my power. My mom is my best friend and has always been the person I go with my problems because although not all teenage girls believe it, but moms truly do know whats best and they understand everything. I have found that my mom and I have been through similar things when it comes to relationships and I have found that i gravitate towards men who are like my dad. I think that this has strengthened my relationship with my parents because I went to them for insight which they were always able to provide. My relationship with my parents has affected my relationships in the outside world and my relationships in the outside world have strengthened my relationship with my parents.
ReplyDeleteI like to think I am very blessed to have the relationships that I do with my parents. Throughout my whole life I have had security and reassurance, something that I realize other people may not experience as much. While reading this original blog post the quote, "That parents are also human beings whose growth is dynamic and continuous", really hit home with me. Since attending college I have grown up tremendously and truly realize that we are given nothing and have to work for what we want. With this knowledge I have been able to watch my parents with new amazement, realizing that, they, themselves have grown so much since they were my age.
ReplyDeleteOn a more technology related note, it has also been very entertaining teaching my parents what FaceBook is and how to download apps on the iPhone. In this situation, the tables have turned and it has been nice being the one who knows something they don't know for a change.
I would describe my relationship with my parents as warm, supportive, and healed from former upheaval and pain from the past. My relationship with my mom growing up was difficult and complicated, but as time has passed and I've grown up I've seen her grow as well and now we can be close. My dad is not my biological dad, so our relationship is very built on trust and mutual love for one another whereas my relationship with my mom is much more based on our similar personalities, interests, and sense of humor,as well as love. I'm so thankful for each of them even though my adolescence was tumultuous and stressful. I appreciate this blog post because it emphasizes that parents are growing, dynamic people also and that being a parent is so heavily criticized and placed under public scrutiny, but in reality they struggle with very real things like poverty, mental illness, stress, depression, and a host of other things yet they usually do their best to give their children everything possible.
ReplyDelete