In our readings this week, Kuczynski presents a variety of models on the theme of bidirectionality
in the parent child relationship. And on page 4 is a table of
assumptions that differentiate unilateral and bilateral models. As you
can see from the table, in a bidirectional/bilateral view of
relationships, both individuals have agency (asserting individual intention) and the power dynamic is interdependent and asymmetric.
As a mother, I assert my agency (intention) for how late my teenage
daughter might stay out on a school night, and assert my power in
communicating what that is and why and what might happen if she doesn't
adhere to that. Yet my love and affection for her gives her power. And
as a teenager she has many cognitive, social and practical resources
that she can employ to assert her own agency.
If we look at the Wiggins
matrix, we can see agency balanced with communion. What does that
mean for relationships? To me it means that individuals weigh the
assertion of their own interests on balance with their interest for
maintaining a relationship (bond, communion) with another human being. I
might feel it necessary to assert my influence on my daughter's time to
fulfill my responsibility in guiding her behavior and keeping her safe,
yet to do so to the point of damaging our relationship defeats my goal.
Remembering the value of relationship - that it is a foundation that
will sustain us through the many ups and downs of our lives - am
conscientious to phrase my interest in her safety and guide her
development in a way that invites the development of her agency. And always I am conscious of what she is learning from our interaction, because a big part of my job as a parent is as a guide to her growth into adulthood.
In the parenting styles literature (Diana Baumrind's work, mostly), we see authoritative, authoritarian and permissive (and neglectful) parenting in the balance of warmth and demandingness. Also known as 'love and limits.' Authoritative parenting strikes a balance of the two. I am 'demanding' in my setting my daughter's curfew, yet I show 'warmth' through my discussion with her about why, secure her understanding and negotiate with her, if appropriate. Imbalances in permissive parenting (extra warmth, not much demandingness) and authoritarian (extra demandingness, not much warmth) and neglectful (no warmth, no demands) then follow.
Parenting styles are more about parents' techniques; relationship dimensions consider investments by both players, with an eye to the dynamic (relationship).
Please watch these two clips from "Dead Poets Society" and from "Once and Again" and in the comment section, please discuss what you see related to these relationship dynamics.
Dead Poets Society: http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/15059
Once and Again: http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/12847
In "Dead Poets Society", to me, the parenting style of Neil's father appears to be very authoritarian, and he doesn't provide much room for agency to Neil by ordering him around, not tolerating disagreement and making Neil address him as "sir". I would describe the power dynamic as unilateral and staticallly assimmetrical.
ReplyDeleteAs to "Once and Again", the relationship between Lily and Grace seems more healthy and bidirectional. There is a certain level of intimacy between them, and Lily, while giving advice, doesn't act in a superior or patronizing way towards her daughter.
Khanh
DeleteThank you Khanh (and others). As you watch these clips, how do you think the child feels in the interaction? How do you think the parent feels?
DeleteI agree, couldn't have said it better myself.
ReplyDeleteIn the "Dead Poets Society" clip, the father's parenting style was authoritarian. The dad tells him what to do and at the end, he felt fulfilled his responsibility. They both left on different results, leaving Neil shut down, and not being able to have a voice.
ReplyDeleteIn the "Once and Again" clip, the mother's parenting style was authoritative. She was listening to her daughter, and sharing herself to her daughter her experiences. She didn't give off that she was superior to her daughter, or demanding. At the end, they both left in neutral places, and was connected.
I think that authoritarian parents over time take away the child's ability to speak their mind and almost confine them to a box of whats acceptable and whats not. When parents aren't flexible it restricts that child's personality and I think the clip provides a strong example of this.
DeleteI do agree with the fact that the father in "Dead Poets Society" is very authoritarian in his relationship with his son. While this may seem harsh to some, I believe that that father is doing what he believes is best for his son in order to make him succeed to his full potential. The question he must ask himself however is at what point does he sacrifice the quality of his relationship with his son for materialistic success.
ReplyDelete