Quite fitting for our exploration of parenting toddlers and young children and what discipline, guidance and punishment mean in the big scheme of things is this recent story in Time magazine:
http://time.com/4231136/discipline-child-marine/?xid=newsletter-politics?xid=newsletter-parents
The view of disciplining children from a Drill Sergeant father. The suggestions are pretty interesting and not what one might think, given the lead in. They reflect our discussion of young children's development, what they can do and what they are learning to do, and our emphasis on understanding children and keeping focused on the relationship. There's even a dose of guidance related to technology in the household.
As you read through this article, what resonates with you most about the principles that Chris Lopez suggests? How does this relate to your own experiences growing up or what you have seen as an adult with other parents and caregivers?
I appreciated how this father highlighted the problem with "because I said so". This is a phrase that has always bothered me when I've heard parents using it rather than explain something to their child. I get that being a parent can be overwhelming and that every parent has hard days, however, children need to learn the principle behind rules and guidelines. Not only does "because I said so" sound a lot like a power trip but it also robs the child of a valuable learning opportunity, to either learn the reason or to practice remembering a rule they already know.
ReplyDeleteLearning to state the reason why was something I had to learn while working with kids at summer camps. It meant putting more thought into what I said and learning to communicate, even when I was frustrated. At the same time, I think it was more respectful and it also made me more confident in the guidelines I set for the kids, particularly when it came time to invoke consequences.
I really enjoyed reading this article. Right off the bat, I thought he was going to be harsh with his son and explain why that is effective. However, through each one of his principals about disciplining children, it always came back to him. If the child made a mistake, he realized that he needed to change his behavior and put the child first, in order for the child to learn. I love when he mentioned that time out is for both the parent and the child. Dad needs to calm down, while child needs to endure their emotions.
ReplyDeleteA similar experience came to mind when reading his guideline about being afraid of making mistakes. He explained that you need to allow children to make mistakes so they learn how to solve problems themselves. I work at a gym and there's a department strictly for cleaning the locker rooms and rest of the club. I picked up some shifts there over the summer while they were shorthanded, and was intrigued by the manager's way to training new employers. Instead of telling us how to space out daily tasks, he told us to basically figure it out ourselves. We knew what needed to be done by the time the gym closed. The first week was chaotic, to say the least. I'd be running around everywhere trying to get things done, resulting in a half-assed job with some tasks. After that, I quickly learned how long each task takes and when to complete them. Although not directly about parent-child relationships, I think Chris Lopez has a very similar style of parenting as my manager does for training. He wants his children to learn by exploration, and by experiencing mistakes, rather than by an order.
I found this article super interesting just because my father was in the Marines and it affected his parenting techniques tremendously. My brother was the first born and it was during the time my father was serving, my brother is 14 years older than me and although are parents are the same, our punishment techniques growing up couldn't be more different. My brother as a teenager was punished by the "drop and give me 20" rule, my brother did push-ups when he disobeyed and was forced to accept the "because I said so" technique. Those discipline actions, although tried on me were not successful. I'm a stubborn individual and my parents figured out fast that taking my toys away (or phone as i got older) was way more affective than spanking or physical punishment. The article emphasizes this by saying that taking away his kids' iPads is the equivalent to a spanking, I couldn't agree more, spanking is over in a minute, but when you get something taken away its a constant reminder of why you should never do "that" again. Growing up I was also a fan of the word "why", my brother would get punished for asking "why" cause it was considered mouthing off, when I asked I genuinely wanted to know. My dad was a lot more lenient on me, probably cause I was the baby and came numerous years after he served, but the parenting styles used on my brother would not have been affective on me.
ReplyDeleteAlong with Stephanie, the principle that resonated most with me is the problem with "because I said so". Many parents use this as an obedience technique, and I don't think that this is an effective way for parents to get children to do what they want. Like Chris Lopez said, the ultimate goal as a parent is to get children to do what is right when the parents are NOT watching. When parents use "because I said so", they aren't teaching the child why what they are doing is wrong or right, but are only teaching obedience. When the child is in the real world, they won't know how to make decisions in regards to their own beliefs about what is morally right, but rather only by what authority figures tell them.
ReplyDeleteI was very lucky in my own experiences growing up because my parents never used phrases like this. I was always asking "why" and my parents would explain everything for me because they encouraged my curiosity and desire to know more about why things were the way they were. I think that their methods of explaining things helped me to be a creative thinker and be thoughtful when making decisions. I have seen some of my friends' parents who did use explanations like "because I said so", and they frequently were irritated with their parents and felt a disconnect growing up. My parents always treated me like an equal and used a democratic style of parenting, and I think this helped me to feel a sense of independence and self-worth because my parents valued my input and opinions.
One point that I really like from the article was about knowing the difference between punishment and correction. I feel that it is important for kids to understand the difference between what behaviors are right versus wrong, even though their brain may not be fully developed. I think that today in class some people made some good points about understanding how every child is different and what types of punishments might be most effective for their child. When I was younger I was super into sports, so anything regarding removing me from sports, would have been an effective punishment for me.
ReplyDeleteThis article is really interesting because half the men in my family are in the military and they parent and discipline their kids just like they would recruits/soldiers. While the other half are more laid back. I remember one of my cousins getting in trouble and my uncle telling her to drop and give him 20 and I just sat and watched in awe of what was happening, then felt sorry for her because push-ups suck. A principle I really liked was the whole empathy meets strategy. Where the parent understands and tries to work with the child and avoid a tantrum or situation that could escalate quickly. He mentions diverting the attention both for him and his son so neither one gets unreasonably upset. Chris knows children make mistakes and its no big deal. He realizes that people learn from their mistakes and new ideas can be created. The whole "because I said so" phrase is definitely not a reason. Chris makes a great point on being able to help his child understand what is going on, that way it can be more beneficial to them both in the long run. Just like what we talked about in class on Monday, children need to know what they are being praised or punished for or they will have no clue what they did.
ReplyDeleteIn my own experience "because I said so" was a very common phrase used for me. When I was younger my dad tried to explain right from wrong and good behavior from bad, but I think once I reached a certain age he started relying on this phrase more because by that time it should have been common sense to me on what I should and shouldn't be doing. In the same aspect, I was always taught whatever my dad says is the law. So whenever he said "because I said so" I never challenged him on it. I just accepted it as this is how its going to be and that's that.
I really liked this article. It gave a new, fresh perspective on parenting and made me think about parenting techniques that I had not yet thought about. For instance, I really liked the quote "The long-term goal is to make sure that your kids are doing the right thing when there’s nobody there to supervise them." I think this a very important. As a parent, you want your children to be well-behaved, but even more importantly you want them to be well-behaved when they are not under your direct, watchful eye. I think this relates to his point of Punishment vs. Correction. When children are explained the reasoning for why their actions were wrong and are able to learn along the way, they are much more likely to understand why their actions are good or bad. Then, they are more likely to think about their actions later when they are alone and act in the correct way. I think that teaching children to act with their heart while keeping morals in mind is a key goal of parenting.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of my childhood, because my mom is a teacher. She was really good at explaining why she was upset with our actions and teaching us the better way to handle the situation. She molded our little brains to always think about how our actions affected others and how our actions made us look to others. She never thought we were too young to learn why something was wrong, so she rarely used the "because I said so" line. She was really good at taking the time to sit us down and talk through the situation.
I really enjoyed reading this article. What stood out to me the most was when he said that when he asked his child to stop doing something, and he doesn't do it, he removed both of them from the situation. I thought that was a really good technique to use.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was little, and did not follow my parents directions on what they wanted me to do, they would remove me from the situation and talk to me on why they removed me, why they took away what I was playing with, and explained to me that listening to them is very important. If I started to listen to them on what they are asking me to do, and do it they would reward me and not take a toy away from me. Once I started listening to them, and noticed my rewards I would get, that really motived me to listen to them and follow their directions.
This was a pretty interesting read. I thought it was cool and a little bit ironic that a guy could go from bossing around soldiers with intensity to trying to boss a little kid around in a whole different way. It was also interesting to see people talk about the methods of convincing your child to do something in real life situations, diversion being the example talked about in the article. In regards to my childhood, my mother works in elementary education so she was always encouraging my siblings and I as well as telling us what was right and what wasn't and why. I think her communicating with us in a caring way helped us to grasp the situation much better. I believe that this framework which both of my parents instilled in me as a child definitely shaped the character and morals I carry today.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this article about the drill sergeant dad! Many points Lopez made really resonated with me and I agreed with many of his views and beliefs when it comes to parenting and guiding children. The part that stuck out the most for me would be the "because I said so," piece. It is difficult sometimes when you are in the midst of things and working with children. They want explanations for things, they want to do know why you are asking them to do something and why they can't do something else. It is easy to just tell them "because I am the adult and you need to do what I say," but that explanation won't teach them to wonder about the world or give them a good reason (in their minds) to complete a task.
ReplyDeleteI admire his patience and think he seems to be a good model for parenting and has very good tips for addressing self-discipline in children.
I really like this article. It's definitely ironic how Chris Lopez treats the new recruits in comparison to his children. You would expect that a Marine instructor like himself would be emotionless and be tough on his kids too. However, he isn't. What really resonated with me was the idea that he understood the difference between disciplining and punishing. Rather than spanking them and yelling at them, he takes away the iPad as punishment and gives them reasons as to why he's taking away the iPad. Then, he returns it back to them later.
ReplyDeleteFrom personal experience, I would have wished my dad would've disciplined me in this way. I know in the Hmong culture, most dads are harsh on their children. So physically disciplining children are quite common. If my dad also didn't believe in the zero defect mentality, I think I would've had a better relationship with him. But because he's so quick to believe that most mistakes are on purpose, it has caused a strain on our father-daughter relationship.
The "Where Empathy Meets Strategy" part was really interesting. I like how he understands where a three year old's cognitive capacity is at. He understands that they won't understand why they're getting punished. It's much more realistic to take both of them out of the situation like he does. When I was four my mom left a pair of scissors out on the table. I took those scissors and cut up the living room couch. Rather than being mad at me and punishing me for it, she understood that I was just curious about what was inside the couch and it was her fault for leaving the scissors out.
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