Adolescence is a process, so parents have to learn how to work with it rather than against it. It is important that parents should continue to love, support, and be a guidance along the way. Teenagers start to learn new ways of thinking, and start to focus on themselves more. As a child, they are unaware of their independence and believe that they have to do what they are told, and the parents have the power to make them behave the way they want them to.
One day, the parents child is kind, loving, going to bed early, following the rules, dresses appropriately, and does their homework without a problem. Then one day their child turns 12 years old and becomes an adolescent and out of no where they start having attitudes, ignoring them, is on the computer talking to their friends for hours, and stops doing their homework. It can be hard for a lot of parent's watching their child grow up and become teenagers as conflict uprises. The teenager starts to pull themselves away from the parents and family, and create their own independent social network of friends. Reducing time with family often causes conflict with parents and teenagers because of the increasing time the teen spends with their peers.
Other factors that cause conflict between the parent and the teenager can be:
-Not being understanding of the situtaion
-Not liking their peers
-What is appropriate to wear
-Judgment
-Not listening
-Feeling embarrassed
-Parents having unrealistic expectations
-When teenagers challenge the parents authority
As their prefrontal cortex matures, teenagers start to develop more control over impulses, make judgments better, and be able to reason better. When their prefrontal cortex is not fully wired, teenagers tend to take more risks, and poor decision making because the brain takes a second look at the situation and reasons about that particular behavior. Since their brains are still developing, the have not mastered their executive functioning quite yet.
Executive Functioning:
-Time management
-Organization
-Task initiation
-Short-term memory
-Self-restraint
When parents get frustrated and cause conflict with their teenager about not handing in their homework assignment, it is because they do not have the brain capacity are not fully developed yet.
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/conflict-with-your-teen/conflict-with-your-teen
The link above talks about how communication is very important when a conflict arises with the teenager and parent. The first thing in the article says is...
"Good communication is vital during conflict. When we asked 5,000 adults what they wished their parents had done differently during times of conflict, they gave these three responses most often:
1. They wished their parents had listened more.
2. They wished they could have talked about their feelings more.
3. They wished they talked to their parents more."
All three of those responses are related to communication.
https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/teenagers-and-communication
The second link discusses how it is different when you communicate with a child and when you communicate when a teenager as they develop ideas, values and beliefs that are different than the parents. Also giving examples on what kind of issues that can affect communication with teenagers. Below the list of issues in the second link, you will see "General Communication Tips with Teenager".
Please discuss the following questions:
- What do you think about their suggestions?
- Can you think of any more suggestions that is important when communicating to a teenager?
- When growing up, how did your parents communicate with you?
- Anything you wish your parents could have done differently, or do you think they did a good job with communicating with you?
I think that the second links suggestions emphasizes the importance of the "wording affect", and I think it makes very valid points.. I think that the way we phrase something and even the tone we use, can affect the whole vibe of the conversation. I think that when parents immediately accuse their teenager of doing something, the conversation begins as a closed, not open for discussion, conversation and thats when conflict arises. Saying "we would like to discuss" or "we disagree with ____" can open the conversation up and allow the child to put in their perspective. I also think that parents should never have these conversations when they are angry, but rather take the time to cool off and form a plan before confronting the child. My parents and I had a very open relationship, I told them a lot and they gave me feedback and we negotiated. I think that having conversations with children, you shouldn't have to negotiate with them because as the parent, you are probably right about a majority of the things you're confronting them about. As a teenager, I think negotiation and conversation should always be on the table. They're forming identities and having parents that hear them out will only positively affect the relationship between the two. I loved the way my parents communicated with me, I was never scared, they were always very calm and alway let me finish. By their third and final child, they figured out the whole communication thing and they learned that flexibility is crucial while raising a teenager.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Alexis on the fact that the second link emphasizes the significance the wording can have on the adolescent. One way of phrasing can be understanding and positive and another way can be plain negative and critical. I think, when communicating with teens, you have to be a friend to them by understanding from their point of view and being reasonable in a sense that they can/should understand. For example, a child is constantly coming home late. You should communicate with them and let them know how you feel and remind them of their responsibilities and the consequences that could follow. Ask them how they feel about it or question them as to why they continue to disobey the rules and come to a conclusion on how to fix the problem and not cause a strain on the relationship. When I was growing up, my parents and I rarely communicated. My dad worked 2nd shift (11:00 AM - 1:00 AM) and my mom worked 1st shift (7:00 AM - 6:00 PM). When my mom comes home from work, she heads straight to the kitchen and begins cooking for us. My dad comes home late so we barely communicate and then the next morning, we leave for school and we rarely saw him. The only time I saw my parents together were on the weekend. Even then, I barely communicated with my parents. If I did, it'd be because I was being a bad kid and they were lecturing me, or because they were telling me to eat and go to sleep. I definitely wish my parents would have communicated more with me. I see some of my friends being close to their parents and I remember always being envious. I remember how I'd always feel neglected by them emotionally. If we would have communicated more, I think our relationship would be better. Now that I'm older, I'm more independent and rely on them only from time to time and communicate with them only when my mom calls me to check up on me and my education (since I live on campus).
ReplyDeleteThe suggestions provided in the first and second links are very important and parents should be aware of them. Conflict between parents and their adolescents is frequent and can easily escalate from a simple disagreement to a full blown argument. Its important for parents to realize the words they use towards their children and how to be effective listeners and communicators. Parents have such a big influence on their children's live and the way they deal with conflict can either help strengthen the relationship or hinder it between them and their children. A suggestion I would have for parents is to listen to all of what their child has to say and not interrupt them with instant judgement or interrupt them to discipline them when they are not done explaining themselves. Growing up I think my parents were good communicators with me. There was a lot of conflict between myself and my step mom, now looking back I can't remember a specific cause, it was always something small that escalated into a huge argument. My dad and I could always talk and he would be understanding and he would occasionally get mad and yell, but I knew he would yell because I knew I did something he disapproved of. Now that I am in college there isn't too much communication, my parents don't actively seek to call or text and when I call its never a long conversation because they are fairly busy. Its definitely a little harder now that I am in college. Otherwise, I think they did fairly well dealing with me growing up.
ReplyDeleteThe first link that had the communication tips seemed helpful to those with adolescents in their home. Communication is key when it comes to successful relationships at all ages, but with children in the adolescent stage of their life they are working on building relationships with peers and are really understanding the reciprocity.
ReplyDeleteThe second link emphasizes that when it comes to conflicting topics it is important to be careful while talking to adolescence because it may come off as accusatory. I know when I was young I always felt like my parents were accusing me of things and a lot of it had to do with my mindset and brain but some of it had to do with wording. My parents were pretty effective with communication and were good with limits and really knew when to put their foot down. It is important for parents with teenagers to learn the boundaries and to let their children explore on their own but also know when to put their foot down. My parents were really good at letting me know they were there for me to discuss whatever I was experiencing at school, with friends and with my personal life, but only when I wanted to. That is important for parents to communicate to their child that they can be there to just listen.
I think that the suggestions made in the second link were very helpful and useful. Like other people mentioned, the way that ideas are worded and the tone used with adolescents can have a huge impact on how they react to the situation. Another suggestion that I can think of which is important with teenagers is to remain calm and not to sound judgmental towards them for their decisions. It is important for parents to relate to them, because they were likely in similar situations as their child when they were younger. The parent can learn a lot from how their own parents reacted and how they felt in that situation, and that can help them communicate effectively with their own child.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, my mom communicated with me very well, but my dad did not communicate very well. My mom would always listen to my full opinion and advocate for me. She was very in tune with my personality and feelings, and she understood how I was feeling when I couldn't even understand it myself. However, my dad would often bottle his emotions up and explode on me, which was a totally ineffective way of communicating with me, or with any child really. I was a very sensitive child, and since he did this, I never felt that he listened to me or was attentive to my needs. The only thing that I wish my mom would've done differently with me is to openly discuss things like sex and drinking. My mom thought I was the perfect child and would never do this kind of stuff as a teenager, so she never addressed it at all and I had no idea how she would respond when she found out that I was drinking in high school. However, for my dad, there were a lot of things that he could've done better, and he realizes it now. Since I have moved out of the house, he is a lot more patient towards me and tries to relate to how I am feeling in any given situation.
I agree with my classmates that these links provided very helpful and valid information. Communication is often difficult to maintain during the tough years of adolescence, but by being aware of your wording as a parent, keeping things positive, and keeping the communication flowing between you and your child, it is likely that you will be able to maintain a secure and stable relationship with your child.
ReplyDeleteIn my home growing up, I always had an open line of communication between me and my mom. I was able to tell her anything. I was never afraid that she would judge me or yell at me immediately for something that I did or my friends did. She would talk to me as an adults. While I also talked to my dad about a lot of things, I better connected with my mom as she was a women with a lot of the same womanly issues. I experienced a fairly easy adolescence, with few conflicts. However, I witnessed a lot of conflict between my parents and my brother. While they parented him the same way as me, he has a very different personality than me. He had different struggles, worries, and ways of dealing with issues. This goes to show how parenting needs to be tailored to every child. There is no clear-cut way to communicate with, disciple, or love your child. That is one of the reasons why parenting can be so hard!
I think that their suggestions are valid. However, there is no information on how start communication or tips on how to really resolve conflict. The sources state that you need to listen more and keep your communication open, but the problem my parents had was that they didn’t know how to keep our communication open. My dad doesn’t know how to listen nor communicate effectively or properly, because he simply wasn’t taught to, so it would be nice to have suggestions or tips on how to do. (I guess he could refer to other documents, but that was one thing I saw missing in the two sources.) Then for my mom, I wish that she made some time for us to spend time together, because we were both so busy it would have been nice to have an open line of communication, so we could have worked towards communicating more and being more involved in each other’s lives.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Joey in that a lot of the communication suggestions sounded a little idealistic to me, and did not effectively address how to resolve conflict. These communication techniques would be best described as avoiding potential conflict, but I don't think that is necessarily always something to be avoided because it is part of any close relationship to have some conflict, especially when a child is exploring their autonomy. I think my parents' communication with me as a teenager was terrible.My mom and I had a high conflict relationship and she would speak to me in a direct accusatory way and communicate with me about serious issues as if I were an adult when I was only 15. I wish she would have set aside her own issues sometimes to be my parent and try and support me in a warm way instead of lecture me in a distant way without asking me how I was doing. I wish my dad hadn't worked so much when I was a teenager so that we could actually know each other and have a relationship sooner than later. I think communication can help parent-child relationships so much, but it often does not give insight into the whole picture of the relationship, and what is affecting it. I think it's relevant to remember that parent child relationships are not just affected by the child's development and issues, but what the parents are going through themselves and how they are handling it.
ReplyDelete