One topic that we started to touch on in class is the concept of the
"sandwich generation", which refers to parents who are sandwiched
between trying to raise their own children, while also caring for their elderly
parents. Many of these caregivers feel a constant struggle between being able to provide for their parents, while also making sure their kids are getting enough attention. As more and more people in the United States are living longer than
ever before, these types of caregivers are becoming more and more prominent.
The majority of these caregivers is working full time jobs on top of these responsibilities, and the financial and emotional stress
can become very overwhelming.
Here is a short video about some of these parents’ stories:
Before my grandma passed away this last fall, my mom was one of these
millions of Americans who were taking on this role. She was working full time with two high daughters, while also having to take care of my grandma's basic needs on a daily basis. Have you experienced the
“sandwich generation” in your own family? How did it affect the relationship
between your parent and grandparent (or other relative)?
If you haven’t experienced this personally in your own families, how do
you think this role reversal would affect the relationship? Do you have any
suggestions for how parents who are caring for their own parents can maintain
the relationship and reduce unhealthy stress?
I have not experienced the "sandwich generation" in my family. All of my parents' kids are independent and require very little support, while their parents are still living independently and not requiring daily support. I think this gap in parenting roles really helps my mom get back on her feet after dealing with bankruptcy a few years ago. She recently moved to Fargo to be with her boyfriend, and got a better paying job (because she didn't have to worry about taking care of us in Minneapolis anymore). I think it will be very hard for my mom when the time comes that her parents need assistance, because of her recent move. I know that she won't want to move back to Minneapolis so the majority of the responsibilities might land on my mom's sister, who only lives about 20 minutes from their parents. For parents caring for both their parents and their children, I believe it is important to keep the child involved. I remember when I was probably 10 years old, my grandma and I went to the nursing home to visit her father-in-law. These visits maintained their relationship, while giving me the opportunity to get to know him in his final months. I believe this helped keep everybody involved and included, and diminished unhealthy stress that could take place if my grandma was often gone when I needed care.
ReplyDeleteI haven't personally experienced the "sandwich" generation in my family. My parents' kids are all out of the house and independent. My dads parents are both gone and my mothers mom is still independent and healthy, her dad died suddenly so he wasn't really taken care of because we weren't aware he was sick. This would be a really emotional experience I can imagine, i've learned that as needs change roles change and that can be hard for people to cope with. It's hard enough having a parent that is sick or completely dependent on you but then having to worry about your own children on top of that would be stressful. I think a good idea for dealing with the sandwich situation would be to incorporate the children in with the elder/ parental care. Getting them involved if they're old enough can be a good bonding experience and everyone loves time with their grandchildren in my opinion. This could help the parent maintain their relationships and reduce stress.
ReplyDeleteI also have experienced living with my mother while she was caretaking for my grandmother for the last few years of her life. My grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and after a few good years, her health and mind declined quickly. Luckily my sister and I were both old enough to understand that our grandmother needed more help than we did. My mother (whom also works full time at the public school) and I ended up being my grandmother's primary caretakers for the last few years of her life. It actually made my immediate family stronger because we worked together to keep my grandma as healthy as we could while bonding as well. The few negatives I saw that came out of this would be that my mother was often mentally exhausted and physically worn out because my grandma really lost it towards the end. She would wander out of her home, forget to take care of her cat(her best friend), even get into the cars of random people while leaving the grocery store. Living in a small town we got support from much of the community because my grandmother was a well known artist in town. If my sister and I would have been younger during this time of taking care of my grandma, we most likely wouldn't have understood the struggles our mom was going through and why we weren't getting all the attention from her. Depending on the situations, those from the "sandwich generation" must have somewhat strong families even if they do have more obstacles to overcome at least they can do it together.
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting topic to me because this is a current issue right now with my family. My dads parents are both in their late 80's and early 90's and have recently begun to decline a little. Our family has noticed a decline in my grandma for some time but I think we all were in denial about having to accept the fate she may not be with us for much longer. Until recently things were going fine, but then we started to notice both of their minds slipping and not being able to do various household tasks. My dad is one of seven siblings so you would think it would not be as hard to establish a caregiver or come up with some sort of plan, but it is hard because everyone has different ideas and expectations for the care that needs to be provided. I think its not affecting my relationship with my parents as much as it would if I was younger and not able to comprehend what is going on, but since I am older and know what needs to be done and what is expected of my dad it is not as hard. The relationship between my dad, his siblings, and my grandparents is another story. My grandparents want to die in their house and absolutely refuse to be moved elsewhere. They don't want help in anyway and just want to do things themselves. Majority of that is stemming from my grandpa who never asks or wants help because he thinks he can still do everything. Also, I think it comes from how they were raised and the generation they grew up in. They are very traditional and have the Stanaway stubbornness to aid in the mix. The current temporary solution with this is to have my dad and his siblings go to doctors appointment with my grandparents and make sure they are taking their meds. Another possible one is having myself go and care for them when school is over, which I have done before. The really hard part I think is seeing your grandparents sudden decline in health and finally accepting the fact that we don't know how much longer they have and to spend as much time with them as possible.
ReplyDeleteMy mom has experienced the most from ties of being in the “sandwich generation”. I remember going to my mom’s relatives due to the fact that she had the role to manage me and the want to take care of the elderly in my family, so she would sometimes bring me along and do whatever she could when we went to their homes or nursing facilities. I didn’t quite understand it in the moment, but looking back it I realize the importance of taking care of them.
ReplyDeleteIt is kind of weird for me to look back at my mom helping her relatives, because they were my relatives too and I don’t even remember their names. However, it plants the image for me that at some point in my life I am going to need to take care of my own parents when they one day cannot care for themselves. I realize that I am going to have be ready and prepared in terms of insurance and their own views of what they want to do for future help and health care.
I have not experienced the "sandwich generation" because I no longer have any grandparents. If I had to experience it, I feel like it would be hard at times, but there would also be good times. I would be able to have a nice relationship with my grandparent and go to them for when I need advice incase my parents weren't home or I did not know who to talk to. I feel like it would also be challenging because I have so much going on in my life as is with school, work, family, friends, etc. that it would be very difficult to having to find that extra time to take care of my grandparent.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest making sure that the child and the grandparent would have a healthy relationship with one another as it would reduce tension in the household and stress as well. It is important that everyone would be involved with taking care of the grandparent as they are family, and it would be fair too. It wouldn't be fair if the mom had to work full time and deal with children, and other factors in life plus have to worry about her mom/dad. It would raise conflict in the home.
I see the Sandwich Generation as a huge challenges for my mom's siblings right now. Over the last few years, my grandma's health has really declined due to Dementia and several strokes. Four of my mom's siblings live close to my grandma and they have divided up my grandma's needs between themselves. When my grandma still lived at home, someone came to set up her pills each day and check on her, someone else managed her finances, someone else kept track of her appointments. Two of my aunts really wanted to have her some live with them, however, they all also have children and young grandchild that also needed their attention. Eventually they had to move her to a nursing home when it was no longer possible for her to live without around the clock care. Her children are also still very involved in her daily life, but I see how hard it has been for each of them as they try to care for her, their partners, their children, and their new grandchildren. My parents do not live close enough to be involved on a day to day business, but I still see my mom struggling to balance being involved with and visiting her mom and also caring for my younger brother with health problems.
ReplyDeleteBeing part of the Sandwich Generation is a hard spot to be in and I think that involving all of the children in care-giving and to be prepared for difficult decisions and sacrifices that will need to be made. I know a lot of people really look forward to retirement and being able to travel and being more free of family responsibilities. However, I think that as people live longer and longer, more people will need to spend more of their 50s and 60s caring for their aging parents, probably not their ideal retirement.
My parents are also a part of the Sandwich Generation, but what makes it easier for them is that not only do they have multiple siblings (my mom has two and my father has 7), but that also they are from Vietnam, where the concept of filial piety is strongly upheld. There is no concern in regards to my grandparents living situation or monitoring their physical health, because both of my maternal and paternal grandparents live with the respective uncles' families and all the siblings usually pitch in equally when it comes to medical care or things like that. I feel a setup like this, when a grandparent or grandparents live with one of their children's family can reduce a lot of stress, however that may involve renegotiating certain family rituals and rules, and perhaps entail a certain decrease in private space.
ReplyDeleteIn my family, we have recently been experiencing some new challenges with caring for my grandparents. My grandmother, who lives alone, has been diagnosed with the onset of Parkinson's. So she is 85, shaking constantly, weak, and lonely. While we have hinted at her moving into some sort of assisted living she continues to mention that "When she was younger, grandparents went to live with their children and grandchildren...but apparently things are not like that anymore..." She clearly would rather live with one of her children, but that puts a lot of pressure and extra stress on her kids. My parents have offered for her to live with them, but she is a stubborn old german lady and refuses! Gotta love her. It's hard to know what she really wants, how to talk about it without offending her, and what the best solution is for everyone involved. This is an issue that many families may be facing. It requires lots of communication, patience, and creativity. We have not been able to find a solution yet, so I guess I do not have any great insights or advice...
ReplyDeleteI have experienced the sandwich generation slightly on my dad's side. My grandma is living on her own and getting older so he and his siblings had to make the decision of whether or not to place her into assisted living. I didn't really hear much about all of the decisions and thoughts that went into it but I could tell it was a stressful situation for my dad and his siblings. Obviously it's a tough situation especially if the person doesn't want to immediately go to a nursing home but my grandma knew she needed extra help so it wasn't really a harmful thing to their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI personally experienced this. This past summer my grandma passed away and before that, my parents were her main care taker. Moving to Minnesota in the summer of 2012 was a stressful event for my grandma because she was still mourning the loss of my grandpa even after 7 years. Going far away from her home (Georgia) and all her relatives and friends, it took a toll on her health after we moved. As the years went her health began to decrease and my parents became her PCA. At the time, my parents were struggling to make ends meet and so we had to live in our relatives house for a couple of months. It took a toll on all of us because as the stress began to pile upon my parents, they took out their frustrations on us thus causing us to have a strain in our relationships with our parents. During the following months prior to my grandma's death, it was the hardest on my parents. My grandma was not her old self and was constantly needing attention from my parents. My parents were busy with their doctor appointments so my siblings and I would have to take the place of my parents. Overall, I think it had a negative affect on everybody's relationship with one another because we were not in a financially and emotionally stable situation. We were constantly facing issues and I think we were unable to cope with many of the challenges that came with taking care of an elderly family member.
ReplyDeleteWhen my mother's dad (my grandpa) passed away last year, he was mainly taken care of by his wife, which was a huge blessing because his kids were in Minnesota. I think care taking can cause a huge strain on not only parent-child relationships in both generations, but also spousal relationships as well. My grandpa used to tell me before he passed away that he was tired of his wife having so much control, and that he just wanted to escape it all. I understand what he meant, and how crushing it was for his autonomy to slip away the more his Dimensia and lung cancer progressed. It's sad that their once love-filled marriage became a loving but regimented care taking relationship, but I'm so thankful he had that because he would have never adjusted to being in a facility of any kind. I don't think there are any easy answers for the sandwich generation, and it is certainly a test of patience and strength for everyone involved.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any experience with the 'sandwich generation' but my cousins had to deal with it. My grandpa lived with my aunt and uncle while they were raising their three kids. My grandpa's house was continually deteriorating and they had to start making decisions about what was best for him as well as my cousins. They never seemed to be stressed out until my grandpa had to have a number of stints put into his leg. The medical bills were piling up and his health was getting worse. They didn't want to put him in a home because he would be unhappy there. They handled their parenting really well though. They always had family dinners every night and every Friday my parents and I would go over there for dinner and movies. They continued to be active parts of their kids life as well as taking care of our grandpa.
ReplyDelete