Toddlerhood is defined as age 18 months to 3 years old.
During this time, parenting can seem extra challenging. Toddlers are
experiencing a time of great growth and learning, and often behave irrationally.
In the link “I Said I Want the Red Bowl! Responding to Toddler’s Irrational
Behavior,” a few main points summarize the causes of toddlers’ behavior. First,
Toddlers are driven by emotion, so their actions are often illogical.
However, this is to be expected. Second, Toddlers are becoming more aware that
they are separate beings. They are learning to use strategy to gain
control, which in their mind may be something as simple as using a specific cup
for their juice. Last, they do not have enough tools to deal with the very
strong feelings and emotions they are experiencing. Toddlers are still
developing skills of self-regulation.
The author of this reading then goes on to provide some
suggestions for parents with toddlers:
-
Stay in control when
your child is spiraling out of control.
-
Keep in mind
that you can’t actually make your child do anything–eat, sleep, pee, poop,
talk, or stop having a tantrum.
-
Show empathy
and validate the feeling.
-
Set the limit
and provide acceptable choices.
The Edwards and Liu reading touches
on some of the other themes that are presented in toddler research that help to explain their often irrational behaviors. Toddlers are exploring, and trying to understand these ideas: autonomy
and independence, self-concept, impulse control or emotional regulation,
empathy and morality, gender identity or gender role identification, and
becoming connected to others and a member of society. These themes can be
further explained and supported using theories and research.
Another important concept to keep in mind when thinking
about how to parent toddlers, is the parenting style that is being used. As we
talked about in class, parenting styles are a result of certain combination of
demand (structure) and responsiveness (warmth). As stated by the author of the first
article, it is important to set limits, or provide clear structure, for
toddlers as they are learning how to self-regulate their emotions. Parents also
need to show empathy, or provide warmth and understanding. Thus, it seems that
an Authoritative parenting style is key to parenting toddlers.
After reading all of this, I thought it would be fun to look
at toddlers throwing some crazy tantrums, as this is a very common issue that
parents deal with when their children are this age. So please pick one of these
videos to watch (I hope they make you giggle!), then answer the following
questions:
1.
Does the parent exhibit an authoritative
parenting style? Why or why not?
2.
What themes (such as the ones given in the
Edwards and Liu reading) did you see in the video or can you infer from the
toddler’s actions?
3.
What did the parent do well, or what are your
suggestions for better dealing with the situation?
4.
Any other comments you want to share??
It’s Too Heavy!!
Carseat Tantrum
I Don’t Want To Go To School
I watched the first video, "It's Too Heavy." This video definitely made me laugh a little. The parent in the video does exhibit an authoritative parenting style. He responds to his daughter in a loving way, yet also firm. He provides kind words as she is trying to lift the bowl and gives her encouragement, but he is also giving her directions on what she needs to do. Some themes that could possibly be seen in the video was the child learning independence and being able to do things on her own, even if they are "too heavy." She shows compliance with the rules given by her father so impulse control or regulation can be seen. As well as a theme of standards. She may be learning it is standard to put your dishes in the sink and then help clear the table. In this situation I think the parent did a good job of staying calm and encouraging the child that she could lift the bowl. The parent didn't yell or do anything crazy, he was very patient with her and it resulted in her putting her dish in the sink like he asked.
ReplyDeleteThese are excellent examples and excellent questions to guide viewing these videos. As Ashley suggests, consider the ages of the children and their developmental capacities for understanding and for regulating their behavior as their parents are providing guidance. There are 3 good examples here (not that they are all necessarily 'best' practice for parenting, just that they are really useful examples for discussion. Consider too, how the child knowing that they are being filmed (children at this age are growing in an awareness of Self as they are also learning emotional regulation) might mix with other information that they are trying to process during the situation.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea for a post, Ashley! I watched the third video about Jade not wanting to go to school. The parent, or caretaker, in this situation was being a little bit too demanding to be authoritative. There were times when she tried to be responsive and explain the consequences of not going to school, but most of the conversation was very much based around Jade being forced and having no other options. She presents themes such as a high desire for independence, and very low impulse control or emotional regulation. She doesn't want to be forced to do anything she doesn't want to, but when faced with a situation that doesn't allow for negotiation, she hides and whines. I believe it is the grandmother in the situation that chases Jade to get her hair combed. Instead of being calm, talking to Jade about why she doesn't want to go, etc., she is slightly threatening. She tells Jade that if she doesn't go to school, she'll spank her. I know theres controversy about spanking in today's society, but this is an example of how the caretaker's reaction wasn't warm or responsive.
ReplyDeleteParenting toddlers is extremely hard. With all of the resources available to parents on how to parent their toddlers, they're always going to be full of emotions and poor self-regulation. I think, although easier said than done, parents need to learn to be especially patient, warm, and responsive to make the best out of the tantrum-driven time period.
I watched the second video about the carseat tantrum. I think that the mother did exhibit an authoritative parenting style because she told the little girl that she was in charge of her own actions, but that there would be consequences if she continued to act out in that way, such as having to go home and not getting any treats that day. The mother also stayed calm and was patient with her screaming toddler.
ReplyDeleteThe theme that stood out to me the most was the desire for independence, but struggle with needing to be dependent on her mother, which is the main reason that children throw tantrums, according to Edwards and Liu. The toddler threw her juice on the ground, but then wanted it back but was not able to get it for herself since she was strapped in to the carseat. Another theme that I noticed was the toddler's inability to handle her own emotions. She was upset for whatever reason, and was not able to calm herself down, but continued to shout at her mother.
Overall, I think the mother did pretty well at handling the situation. Like I mentioned previously, she stayed calm and patient with the little girl. However, I do not think she should have repeatedly called her daughter "naughty". It is okay to tell children that their ACTIONS are naughty, but I think it can eventually promote a negative self-image for the child if a parent repeatedly tells them that THEY are naughty. I also didn't approve of the mother threatening to show the video to other relatives. It seems that this was somewhat embarrassing to the child and just added to her negative emotions that she was already unable to control. In the future, the mother should encourage her daughter to use her words and use reinforcement as a primary method of controlling behavior, rather than punishment.
In the first two videos, the parents exhibit an authoritative style of parenting to various extents: they all try to mitigate the tantrum in a verbal non- physical and collected fashion, providing some autonomy to the child without expressing strong negative affect. In the third video, I'd say the style is borderline authoritarian-- there are threats and restriction of autonomy.
ReplyDeleteWhat makes the adults's approach in the first two videos more effective and appropriate is presence of empathy and understanding that you can't forcibly apply adult logic to toddlers' schemes of reasoning. For example the father's strategy in the first video, was to sort of express understanding and play along the situation, saying " that looks like it's really heavy, but I think you can lift it to the sink"; or in the second video, the mother asked " Let me know when you can be nice to me"; she did however joucularly use blackmail and sense of shame, which I wouldn't necessarily label as negative techniques.
In the third video, the grandmother attempts to use logic that is way out of the little girl's grasp to convince her to prepare to go to school and when that fails she starts combing regardless. In this case, I'd say, the approach may be somewhat warranted, because the adults were in a hurry and needed to get things done quick - a more diplomatic approach may take much more time.
The two themes that are shared in all three videos are autonomy/independence and empathy/morality/standards. The second video also taps into self-reflection.
I watched the third video about how Jade did not want to go to school. The caretaker was not authoritative because she did not approach Jade in a calm manner, but started chasing her around the patio and into the house with a brush while Jade was yelling, and hiding because she did not want to go to school.
ReplyDeleteThe themes that I noticed in the video were low emotion, and the desire for independence.
I think the caretaker could have done a better job with the situation by having a calm voice with Jade, sitting down next to her at her level, and ask her why she did not want to go school, explain the importance of school, maybe offer her a reward at the end if she went to school, and not say that she was going to spank her, while making spanking noises with her hands. I think that might have scared Jade due to her running, whining and hiding.
I think the caretaker could have had a more approachable approach with Jade by being more warm, and more calm with her. Since she was raising her voice saying right away in the video "Come here!" "I don't care what you want, you're going!", Jade was also raising her voice back. I did not notice any eye contact either when they were arguing about going to school as Jade was staring at her book she was holding. Also saying "dummy" is not a good approach when wanting to convince her to go to school, as that is insult. The caregiver should know that toddlers are hard to handle, and should learn to have better patience with her.
The parent in the first video "It's too heavy" exhibited authoritative parenting style. He was very patient with his daughter though he did not back down from his starting goal of having her put her own bowl in the sink. Some parents would eventually give up and just put the bowl in the sink themselves, but I think this parent did a good job standing his ground. He never raised his voice at his daughter and used words of encouragement rather than words that would make her feel bad about the way she was acting.
ReplyDeleteThe theme that I tended to relate back to this video would be 'responsiveness'. Even though she was mid-tantrum, Kirsten still managed to respond to her father. Like we have heard many times the relationship is reciprocal and even though the father needed his daughter to do something he still gave her room to respond and take her time in getting the task done.
I felt like the father handled the situation quite well. He kept on encouraging Kirsten to pick up the bowl on her own and told her she could do it, and eventually it worked. He never talked down to her; he gave her suggestions to make it easier to put the bowl in the sink (maybe you should take your thumb out of your mouth and put your lovie down). He also told her that she would be helping clean up and making it seem like a team effort and again reciprocal.
I loved the first video! The dad was sooo patient and the daughter was super funny. I think that part of the reason that the dad did so well in handling her tantrum was his sense of humor. Instead of letting her attitude and screaming annoy him, he clearly found the humor in the situation without being mean or overpowering of his daughter. In the second video, I felt that the mother mostly did well in staying calm. However, I also saw how she tried to shame her child by threatening to show the video to relatives. Going back to the first video makes this more obvious, since the father is careful to build up his child's self esteem and make her feel that her contribution, however small, was important and appreciated.
ReplyDeleteThe first video is clearly the best! However, I wasn't expecting the young girl to actually make it to the sink and put her spoon back... I thought the man in the video did a really good of encouraging her and be positive throughout the video. In the second video, I wasn't sure if it was necessary to film her child for over three minutes in the car since the child was showing the similar behavior the entire duration. In the video I think the woman asks the child is she wants her to show the video to her other family members and the child says yes then a couple seconds later she screams no! So, I don't think the child was developed enough logically to know that screaming was a misbehavior.
ReplyDeleteI watched the first video and Authoritative parenting is for sure being shown here. The dad is using kind words and a calm tone of voice while encouraging his daughter that she can pick up the bowl while sympathizing with her, "I know it's heavy but you can do it". This backs up the independent portion of the reading, the child thinks it's too heavy but then learns that although it's heavy, it's still something she's responsible for so she learns to try and accomplish the task by herself. Learning to do it independently without her father. I think the dad did a really good job of keeping his voice calm, I would be like "you're being a baby, it's not heavy" but he stayed really calm and sympathized with her. I would have probably not babied her as much but he did a really good job.
ReplyDeleteI watched the car seat tantrum and I would say that the parent does a pretty good job parenting authoritatively. The child had been acting up, so the parent pulled the car over until the child could be calm. The parent remained calm, she did not shame the child, and she held firm on her consequences. One theme I noticed that the child was experiencing was emotion regulation. She had become angry, for whatever reason, and started throwing a tantrum (along with her cup!). The mother does a great job working with the child on this by remaining calm until she can be and using logic to show her that her behavior is unacceptable. It was also good that the parent didn't get the cup after the child threw it because this would have given her power over her mother.
ReplyDeleteThe video I watched was, "I don't want to go to school." I found the video very entertaining to watch as the girl threw a tantrum for not wanting to go to school. That definitely caused me to reminisce back to when I was younger and dreaded the idea of going to school also. As I watched the video, I can totally sense the theme of desire for independence as she screams "Leave me alone" and tries run away from being forced to attend school. Like what Kristi had stated, I also agreed that they two adults were being too demanding. Although they did give valuable and reasonable examples as to why going to school is important, the tone in their voices sounds to me quite aggressive.
ReplyDeleteI also watched the car seat tantrum video and would agree that the parent overall does well parenting in an authoritative manner. The parent didn't freak out when the child started pitching a fit but rather pulled over until he settled. She didn't tempt the child and made sure her consequences were known. There was definitely a theme relating to impulse control in this video. The child clearly was having trouble controlling their emotions and let it out in an inappropriate way.
ReplyDeleteSide comment: I think it's pretty cool seeing the definitions you explained at the beginning of your post about the way toddlers act. It's cool to be able to apply these concepts to realize why toddlers really act the way that they do.